I feel like there is so much I need to try to wrap my brain around right now. Many times I try to do that by talking it out but right now I have no one to talk to so I will think it out rather than talk it out.
The Bible is wonderful. Confusing at times but it is still wonderful. I've been reading a chapter in Proverbs everyday. That is a hard book to read because it has many hidden things in it and I feel like I am only scratching the surface in my readings. It is a book on wisdom and how to gain wisdom.
A fool is one who despises wisdom and turns himself away from it.
Fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom.
So I can rest assured that I have the beginning of wisdom covered. But that's only the beginning. I am far from wise. I have such a long way to go to even THINK I have wisdom.
My main point of writing tonight is, well, it seems very complicated in my head. It's all jumbled in there and I feel like this could take a massive amount of time and space.
God wasn't wrong with creating me as a compassionate person. Everything He does is for a good reason. I have not learned the boundaries on my compassionate heart and in not knowing where to draw the line I have opened myself up to a lot of hurt. I continue this trend on occasion which teaches me valuable lessons.
I love. I can't help but love. That's how I am. It doesn't make sense, even to myself, how I can give people chance after chance to make things right. Some people pull through and it's worth giving them another opportunity to prove themselves. Some, however, will never pull through. Those people are the ones that always have the prettiest words to say. They know how to get my hopes up only to have their actions shatter my hopes. But me, being the psycho compassionate heart, allow them to say their pretty words again, which raises my hopes, only to have them shattered again.
In 1st John it talks a lot about love and how to have the love of God and how to show it. I know God never gives up on people. He gives chance after chance after chance after chance. All because He loves. I don't deserve the chances He continues to give me because I am always messing things up and going against His perfect will for my life but I gladly accept the chances He gives. I will continue to fail but I will also continue to try to do what He wants me to do.
I can strive to be like God. To give chances and to love. However there are times that God draws the line on those that just will not surrender to Him and accept His compassion and love. That line is their death. He cannot let them continue to go on. I am afraid I will mess up my words here but I will try to get my words out right.
I have compassion. I have love. I have the love of God and I enjoy giving it out. Some people accept. Some people deny. Some take advantage of what I have to give. I cannot continue to be taken advantage of though. This is a struggle for me within. Because I love. It's what I do. It breaks my heart to think I have given love so freely, only for my true love to be taken advantage of. Knowing the continuous outcome, I must draw the line. I must let some die to me. It is hard. I don't like when people hurt. But when giving my all and holding nothing back always ends up hurting me in the end with some, I must do what is best for me. Love is sacrificial at times but it is not a one way street. Love is to be returned. Sometimes when I think of it as something I should get in return I feel selfish and undeserving. I don't feel that I am owed anything. I feel as if I should only give. But lately I have been told that I do deserve love in return. I am not only to give but I am to receive as well. I will agree that it is nice to have love in return. It is refreshing and up building. It rejuvenates me and I desperately need that.
There is still the fight within myself about all this. I want to continue to give because I don't like to see people hurt, especially if they hurt because of me.
I am not out to get anyone. I am not out seeking to hurt anyone or ruin their life. I am simply trying to take care of myself and find the healthy woman I once was. It's such a struggle but I am just trying to make a more beautiful me.
