No more blog for a bit. It's time for it to have a rest. Goodbye for awhile.

Beautiful start to a good day! Singing, bringing in the newness :)

Lovelovelove

Why can't friends be friendly when you barely get to see them? I don't understand. Love is a strange thing with how it keeps taking you back.

Chocolate milk anyone?

I want to feel good today ='(

I miss my friends. Every one of them.

I want good hugs. I got a few this week that were amazing. I want more of them.

I want Lindsey to go shoe shopping with Makenna and I. What a fun time! I'll see if it works out.

I am going to get chocolate milk now. It's always a good time for chocolate milk.

It's the day after Thanksgiving. I'm still not feeling well. I had a very rough day yesterday with stomach pain. Even with Tramadol in my system I still could feel the pain. I slept on my parents couch the entire time Nate was gone to visit with his family, nearly 4 hours. After he picked me up, we had to pull over on the side of the road so I could throw up. I had been nauseated since about 4 that afternoon but it didn't take control of me until about 8:30. We finally got settled in the house and got in bed then it was about 30 minutes later I was throwing up again. I don't know what's going on with me but here I am this morning, still hurting, hungry, scared to eat because I really don't want to throw up again. But I know I need to eat because I am very weak. I called the doctor yesterday and the day before. I may have to call again today. I just want to feel better.

For some reason I want chocolate milk....

I may be better off...

After You Say "I Do"

I would really like to compare that to the readings and questions of "Before You Say "I Do"" and see how big of a difference there is. Maybe reading it 6 years ago would have been a great benefit to me in one way or another. But apart from having my thoughts in the past, I really have only few good answers to the current questions. This is rather difficult. I don't think it's just because it's 1 am either. I think it's because I truly don't have many good answers. There are friendships that I have with a few people that I can give good answers to all of these questions and it be much more of what I am looking for. So, consider me discouraged, as if today wasn't enough of a discouragement.

Sometimes I feel like I am running circles chasing the tail that has been surgically removed, hence, I will never catch it. That's definite discouragement and frustration mixed with quite the stupidity. Faith can often appear to some as stupidity. I look at myself lately and wonder if it's stupidity or faith or maybe even a combination of the two. I am guessing it's probably a good combination.

10 different things that are a firm foundation? Psshhh...please don't make me laugh right now. Really? 10? You want 10? I don't have 10. I may have 2. MAYBE.

Now take a separate sheet of paper and list the reasons why I got married. You really want me to take out a separate sheet of paper? I can write it in the 1 inch block provided below the question. No need to waste a perfectly good sheet of paper. Then write why I think he married me? That one may fit in a 2 inch block if you can provide that for me too. People, MAKE GOOD DECISIONS WHEN THEY'RE IMPORTANT AND LIFE LONG! DON'T BE AN IDIOT!!

Finally, "discuss with your spouse". That means to talk. to. me. If it says "discuss" then it isn't complete until the discussion has taken place. Discussing includes communication of some sort, at some point, in order for there to be completion. Please and thank you very much.

And furthermore......I just wanted to say furthermore to add a little bit of awkward humor to the mix. 'Cause who says "furthermore" in a blog?

I'm not going to let this day screw with me. I'm going to have a good day because I refuse to let this day get me down. I feel pretty good today. It's the first day in a very long time that I feel capable of doing something as simple as laundry. So I'm going to do my best to make the most of this day and make it as productive as possible. So my goal is to fold all the laundry I have washed and get it put away. Clean the whole kitchen (which is nearly done). Clean the bathrooms. Get stuff taken away to storage so it's out of my way. That includes lots of toys that the kids don't play with so we can make room for a few new things at Christmas time. Ready annnnnnd BREAK!

Frustrated

The truth shall set you free?

Sometimes the truth hurts?

It's better to be caught in the truth than to be caught in a lie?

I guess the truth is best even when it will probably hurt some people the most.

I feel like I've done a lot of telling the truth lately, but when I do that, people are hurt worse by it. I can't necessarily help how I feel. It tends to make others happier when I'm not completely truthful 'cause my honesty sucks!

It's emotionally exhausting.

scared

Trip 1 to the doctor

Could have been worse, yet, could have been better.

More than likely going to be another trip soon. Not looking forward to that one.

Trip 2 to the doctor-tomorrow

Not looking forward to even the smallest part of the procedure.

Looking forward to good results though.

Scared, nervous, stressed.

These 3 emotions are strongly settled deeply inside me right now.

Rest is a necessity. Not so much a luxury.

I'll take what I can get.

Love-another necessity. A good topic for a later post.

I'm kind of tired of blogging and facebooking. I think I'm going to do a blog ban and facebook ban for a little bit. I'll see how long that lasts. Goodbye blog world.

I feel like my body is falling to pieces. Everyday I am in some sort of pain that I can't do much to fix or prevent. The new doctor that I'm seeing for my back and neck should be able to help my neck tremendously next Tuesday. I'm not looking forward to the procedure but I'm looking forward to the relief I should be getting afterward. On top of that, I feel like my insides are going to fall out at any minute. I've felt this way for around a week. I don't want to get graphic with explaining it...

So now I have 2 trips to the doctor next week, one to fix my neck and one to see what's wrong with my insides, if anything. I just want an answer and I really want to feel better.

I'm not liking homework right now. It's stressing me. I can't seem to get ahead. I'm just barely cutting it on time. Maybe between appointments tomorrow, I can get caught up. Guh

I'm going to see the pain management doctor in about an hour. I'm not sure that "scared" is a good word but it's close enough...I'm scared out of my mind.

wreckless abandon wrapped in common sense

I feel like such an idiot for some of my struggles

So, Grandpa has cancer. He had surgery to remove the tumor this morning but they couldn't get it all out. It was much larger than they thought. It was embedded in the bladder wall and it had closed the opening to one of the tubes in his kidney. The doctor said it appeared to have been growing there for about a year. They're sending the tumor to pathology to see what stage of cancer it is. This sucks. It's good to know that God is bigger than a little bladder though. I don't really know what to say now...

Tuesday Tuesday

Today has not been what I expected. It has been so much better. I love being in a band and playing music and singing. I know it's just a "church praise band and praise team" but we do really well and are a really good band. I am honored to play with the people I play with and there are a couple that I really enjoy singing with. So today I got to sing with those people. We rehearsed "Never Alone" by Barlow Girl and OH MY GOSH it sounds so good. I'm really excited! When the full band plays it's going to be amazing!

Every bit of my day with Nate was wonderful. We got to talk a lot after practice and it's nice being able to get on the same page with a few things.

This evening was really good too. Carol has been encouraging me to go to Celebrate Recovery. I finally went tonight and she went with me. She's such a good friend to me. I'm glad I have her. There's never been even a hint of judgement for any of my past and she has helped me a lot with many things and I found out tonight that she has been in many of the same spots I have been in, and then some. It's just nice to have her and know that I can tell her anything and that it will be safe with her, but not only that, she will help me with these things too. She pretty much knows everything there is to know about me and I'm glad that she does. She's like a second mom and I've never had openness with my mom like I have with her and I love this.

I'm thankful for this wonderful say. Now it's time for some rest. I'm really tired.

Livid<>I can't believe my eyes<>Livid

Crushed<>Her number is in the phone records too much<>Crushed

I would ask questions but if you can't tell<>I'm livid and crushed

Tired

I'm tired of talking about my problems. I know that I have gotten help with things because I have been opening up but it's getting rather exhausting. I've opened up more than I ever thought I would about many things but I am ready to go back in my shell and shut the door for a couple months and just rest. I'd do some homework in there too with my music cranked up!

I don't necessarily want or need to cry. I guess I just want some quiet time. A couple days without the cell phone, computer, kids, anyone. Just a couple days of sleep and rest and homework. That would be enough to settle my mind I would hope.

I think I'm rather stressed about my visit to the new doctor next Monday. It's only a week away. Guh. I'm extremely nervous. So, maybe after that passes I can chill out a little too.

Well heck