Hero

I need a hero to save me now

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...continued...

The counselor suggested that I find one other thing that I would trust him to do to help break down this wall I have with him. Then tell him what it is and then let him do it.

I plan to do this soon. It's definitely a work in progress but soon him and I will be okay and be happily married once again.

continued...

I'm glad that all of that was fresh on my mind and also fresh on my emotions because I was able to talk to my counselor about it today. She said that yes my reactions sounded like they were out of fear but it also sounded like I was doing a lot of grieving. It made me wonder exactly what she meant by that so I asked her to explain. She said that it sounds like I was grieving over many losses and obviously grieving over the pain. It makes sense that I grieve over the loss of that closeness with him. It makes sense that I grieve over the pain from him that I still have in my mind from previous experiences. It makes sense that he is my husband and I long for that kind of closeness with my husband but I have lost it. It makes sense that I hold myself back, out of sheer fear, to keep anything from happening between us to where there is no possibility at all of me getting hurt again. It makes sense that I have lost the respect for him that I need to have that closeness. I'm sure she said more but these are the things that stand out in my mind that she brought to me attention.

I'm very thankful that I have someone, that I have my counselor, to help me get these kinds of feelings to the surface and begin to make sense of them. It's very helpful. I'm very thankful.

Wow

I had some sort of break through 2 nights ago. I can't seem to manage to put it into words though. I will try my best.

He hurt me for several years and it's been roughly 1 year and about 3 months since it happened last. I've been scared of him for a long time but I didn't realize how scared I was until the other night. I have done such a good job of keeping him pushed far enough away to where he wouldn't be able to hurt me unless it was a superficial kind of hurt. I decided the other night that I wanted to try to get closer and see if that would help us.

This is rather difficult to type...

So, I let him kiss my neck the other night because he had done it once during the day and I wanted him to do it some more so I told him he could only if he would respect me. Let me say again here that I didn't know how scared I was of him until this. I let him do that some more and it wasn't just a few minutes until I was crying. I know that he moved his hand down beside my side and I didn't know what was going to happen. I asked him to stop and then I held him tight to me and cried and was shaking and told him to please not hurt me. He just hugged me and kept telling me that I was okay and he wasn't going to hurt me. I don't know how long I laid there like that and cried. I really don't. I told him that the last time this happened, he ended up hurting me really bad and I didn't know I was this scared of it until now. I kept telling him that I was sorry and that I just didn't want to be hurt again to which he kept reassuring me that he wasn't going to hurt me and that I was okay. It was kind of nice that he hugged me the whole time I cried and the whole time he kept reassuring me.

I'm not going to say that I needed all that to happen the way it did but I'm not going to say that I didn't either. I wasn't expecting to cry. I wasn't expecting to lay there and shake out of fear. It just all...happened.

I'm glad it's over. I didn't know it was going to happen that way and I'm a little nervous to let it happen again. But I do trust him more. Not a whole lot but I do trust him a little bit more. I know it takes small steps and little things like that to gain trust back.

I'm still skeptical and still afraid (obviously). I will be careful. I won't be hurt again.

I'm just glad that he respected me and took my crying serious this time.

This is for me...and for you

This song is amazing

Meredith Andrews~In Your Arms

I’m turning the world off
Embracing the silence
Walking away from all the voices
That are Screaming in my ear

I've been too caught up
I've been so stressed out
All of the noise replaced the whisper
That used to be so clear

So I close every door
Put my face back on the floor

And I'm in Your arms
Where I belong
There's no other place for me
Than right where You are
Some things just don't change
When I call Your name
You never hesitate to wrap me in endless grace
When I'm in Your arms

I’m letting my fears go
Giving You control
For You are the one who holds me closer
In my soul's darkest night

Everything I see
Is so temporary
So help me to run the race before me
With eternity in sight
Find More lyrics at www.sweetslyrics.com

Now I close every door
Put my face back on the floor

And I'm in Your arms
Where I belong
There's no other place for me
Than right where You are
Some things just don't change
When I call Your name
You never hesitate to wrap me in endless grace
When I'm in Your arms

To sit at Your feet
At Your table of mercy
To gaze on Your beauty, my Lord
To drink from Your well
And be changed by Your glory
How could I ask for more
Jesus, how could I ask for more

And I'm in Your arms
Where I belong
There's no other place for me
Than right where You are
Some things just don't change
When I call Your name
You never hesitate to wrap me in endless grace
When I'm in Your arms

I got my husband a sweet card today. I thought it would help him see that I am trying. It nearly put him to tears.

"Darling...

...Thanks for putting up with all my crap."

"I'll love you for heifer"

I wrote a little extra in it but there's nothing I could really say that the card didn't already say. I really am thankful for him sticking by me through my piles of manure. He didn't have to stick by me but he does and for that I am thankful.

I may very well get fired today. My meeting has been scheduled today at 2. Lovely.

Scared. Pretty scared. At least I'm a better Mom when I'm scared. That part has always worked better for me.

What I want for Christmas...

...is a good dose of happiness. I've been alone for a long time. I've worked hard on making good choices during my alone time. That in itself is a good thing. Even though I'm doing well on making good choices doesn't change the fact that I am alone a lot. I don't necessarily think that my happiness would be based on being alone or not. I know it has a lot to do with my state of mind.

I guess I just need things to turn around and I need to see some light on current situations.

I also need a best friend. Male or female, it doesn't matter to me.

I need some wisdom in some decisions and I need peace about some things.

Those things will all be on my Christmas list for this year.

I want to be with Jesus

Ok. Ok.

I'll be the one to move out.

I'm not a good wife

I'm going to need the dear good Lord to prove himself bigger than me today because I know this test is totally going to kick my butt. I didn't have money to buy the practice test but I think it would have been a good idea to do everything I could to get hold of one.

I need to do well to get into Sonography or Radiography next year. This may very well be what stands in the way of me and my degree.

I'm going to do my best regardless.

Then I want to see my Daniel. My loves him.

I would like to pretend that it is 85 degrees outside and put on my 2 piece and head outside and lay out in the beautiful sunshine and let my body soak in the rays. heck to tha yessssss

I've been kind of down in the dumps lately. It's been hard to hold my head up and be grateful for things. I know everyone gets to that point at different times throughout their lives. I really hate feeling stuck like I have been. I've been sad and depressed and wondering what this life is even for. A lot of times my physical health contributes to the decline of my emotional health. I was feeling good a couple days in a row last week so I decided to catch up on my laundry and after doing laundry and dishes for about 4 or 5 hours I began to get a migraine. It's because I did too much and my neck started hurting which led to the migraine. Then I had to take my medicines for 2 days to keep the migraine from overtaking me and of course my medicine keeps me from being able to properly function also.

So yesterday I got my final paper turned in and finished my English class. That took some stress off of me. I was still stressed about the fact that there is $30 that has to last until next Tuesday that I found out about yesterday morning. I haven't been able to work so I can't make money to help out. That's a week to have only the food we already have and the gas we already have and when I looked down at the fuel gage and saw there was only 1/4 a tank of gas left I felt overloaded and unable to do anything. While I was driving, a song came on that I really love.

For your nearness Lord I hunger
For your nearness Lord I wait
Hold me ever closer Father
Such a love I can't escape

For your nearness I am hoping
For your nearness Lord I long
Have no need of any other
I have found where I belong
Yes, I have found where I belong

So draw me nearer Lord
Never let me go
Closer to your heart
Draw me nearer Lord
Draw me nearer Lord

In your nearness there is healing
What was broken now made whole
Restoration in it's fullness
Lasting hope for all who come

In your nearness I take shelter
Where you are is where I'm home
I have need of only one thing
To be here before your throne
To be here before you throne

So draw me nearer Lord
Never let me go
Closer to your heart
Draw me nearer Lord

So draw me nearer Lord
Never let me go
Closer to your heart
Draw me nearer Lord
Draw me nearer Lord

And keep me here, keep me here
There's nowhere else I rather be
So keep me here, keep me here
There's nowhere else I rather be
There's nowhere else I rather be

So draw me nearer Lord
Never let me go
Closer to your heart
Draw me nearer Lord
Draw me nearer Lord
Draw me nearer my Lord

This was one of those times that I couldn't sing the words. My mind wouldn't stay focused on them. So I just kept saying "Hear these words God. Here these words. I need these words to be mine." I really believe He heard me because my day took a drastic turn for the better.

I got hours at Subway and I start back there next week. That's going to start helping with the money issue. I got a text from someone telling me they would fill up the car with gas if I would meet them at Ingles. So of course I did. Those were 2 very wonderful things to help me. It took a huge load off of me. I feel a little more relieved today. I feel like I have a place even if it's making sandwiches or whatever I will be doing when I go back.

I'm thankful for yesterday and how God chose those particular ways to meet some of my needs. It only took me taking a couple minutes to open myself to Him and ask Him to hear those words as if it were me saying them because I really didn't have strength to say them myself. He is faithful. I don't know why I doubt Him the way that I do. I'm glad He's persistent in proving Himself to me. That's the kind of love that I need from Him.

Too Cold

brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

I wish this wasn't public at all.

Then I could say exactly what I want to say right now.

It isn't good. I'm sure that was understood already.

I'm sure someone already knows because they've saved my life many times before.

Easy button please?

I obviously can't follow through when I say I will quit blogging. It's about the best form of relief I have to get out some thing that I want to say. So, I guess I'll stay awhile longer.

I was going to post the video of Makenna's Christmas party/recital but it will take about an hour and a half and I didn't have time to do that yesterday.

I'm not feeling well today. My insides still feel like they could fall out of me at any given second. It makes me feel like I have to walk weird to hold it all in. that's gross, yes. I hope that this feeling will be taken care of very soon so I can feel better.

All afternoon the kids have been playing "Nate, Jessica, and Lily". Weird. I happen to be Jessica's Mom. Weird again.

My new camera is amazing. I put on my Christmas list this year that I wanted a Canon. That's all I put because I don't know details of cameras. I didn't think I would get one but here it is. I'm really happy about it. I still don't know much about it but I'm happy to learn.

I know that finals are this week for many people. I only have one Monday, unless the snow cancels classes, which I think will happen because it's nasty outside right now. So I should have a day or 2 longer to work on it. I will pray lots for those with many more and more difficult finals this week.

My heart and mind are bombarded with so much right now. Sometimes I don't know what to do. I wish there was an easy button to make things easier and more convenient and less painful. I don't want to be depressed but it still overtakes me. I want happiness to invade. I'm waiting for that still. I believe it will come with time.

I don't know what else to say. I'm just still hurting and I wait for God to work all of that out.

I'm pretty much going to stop blogging

Or perhaps start a brand new one

I'm undecided on that

All I know to do is take a shower until all the warm water is gone...then do it all over again.

It's been a long weekend away from my kids. I didn't necessarily want them to be gone but there was so much that I needed to get done, it was pretty much the only way to work everything out. I miss them so much! I can't wait for them to get home in a couple hours. I think that we may have a nail painting party. I'll do Makenna's and I'll let Isaiah paint my toenails. He really likes doing that :) I think it's so sweet. It doesn't look all that good...haha...but it's sweet. He's going to make some woman very happy when he gets older. But for now, he can be my little sweetheart and we can enjoy each other. I'm ready for them to come on home now.

My friends are willingly hurting themselves tonight. One won't text me back. Another is texting me nonstop. I have no idea what to do at this point because I can't do anything for either of them. This is the part where I feel worthless and like my words are only that, words. This sucks! I'm going to need my friends to take better care of themselves and do the freakin right thing!

can't sleep

I'm Sorry

I had to. It was necessary.

No need for anger. Anger isn't worth anyone's time.

I don't know what else to say

I'm sorry

This aching heart is beginning to cry

The kids are going to spend a long weekend with their grandparents starting tonight and I will have a lot of that time by myself. I'm happy about it (other than them being where they will be). I have a full day of homework tomorrow that has to be done. I can't put it off another day. I'm glad it's just one class or I would be in a mess.

I'm looking forward to some quiet time. I need time to think and gather my thoughts and feelings. I may very well end up writing a lot. Pen and paper though, not typing. I tend to write more freely with pen and paper. So maybe I'll take some of my time to do that.

I also have my first Upward Basketball practice Saturday. I hope it goes well. I get nervous coaching but...we'll just see what happens. Meeting all the parents makes me nervous too. I always feel like I'm not going to be good enough for adults anymore. There are many that I know look down on me for who I am. I'm not going to change who I am to please some adults. I'm going to be me and I'm going to be the best me that I can be. I just want these parents to be okay with who I am and be okay with me being an influence in their kids lives.

I'm to the point that I don't know if I will even go out and do anything while the kids are gone. That's how badly I am needing quiet time and alone time. I just have to trust myself to behave during that time. I'm pretty sure that I can behave because I'm going to be my kids hero. I will make them proud of me.

Scared tonight. I really dislike this fear that I get in certain situations. I guess its unnecessary but yet the fear still overtakes me. I need to get to where I don't get scared. I'll work through this eventually, somehow.

Winter Wonder Slam

I was just given the sweetest card from the sweetest kids in the world. Inside was 2 tickets to the Winter Wonder Slam for Sunday night!!! Skillet will be in the house! I'm totally ready for the weekend now. It's going to be wonderful. I'm always up for soaking in the beat of the bass drum inside my chest making it feel like my heart is trying to beat right out of me. I'm totally ready. I believe floor level on the 8th row is calling my name!!! Gosh I'm so ready. I need an escape and music is one of the best escapes I can think of. Especially Skillet. OMG!! I'm excited =D