Hero

I need a hero to save me now

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...continued...

The counselor suggested that I find one other thing that I would trust him to do to help break down this wall I have with him. Then tell him what it is and then let him do it.

I plan to do this soon. It's definitely a work in progress but soon him and I will be okay and be happily married once again.

continued...

I'm glad that all of that was fresh on my mind and also fresh on my emotions because I was able to talk to my counselor about it today. She said that yes my reactions sounded like they were out of fear but it also sounded like I was doing a lot of grieving. It made me wonder exactly what she meant by that so I asked her to explain. She said that it sounds like I was grieving over many losses and obviously grieving over the pain. It makes sense that I grieve over the loss of that closeness with him. It makes sense that I grieve over the pain from him that I still have in my mind from previous experiences. It makes sense that he is my husband and I long for that kind of closeness with my husband but I have lost it. It makes sense that I hold myself back, out of sheer fear, to keep anything from happening between us to where there is no possibility at all of me getting hurt again. It makes sense that I have lost the respect for him that I need to have that closeness. I'm sure she said more but these are the things that stand out in my mind that she brought to me attention.

I'm very thankful that I have someone, that I have my counselor, to help me get these kinds of feelings to the surface and begin to make sense of them. It's very helpful. I'm very thankful.

Wow

I had some sort of break through 2 nights ago. I can't seem to manage to put it into words though. I will try my best.

He hurt me for several years and it's been roughly 1 year and about 3 months since it happened last. I've been scared of him for a long time but I didn't realize how scared I was until the other night. I have done such a good job of keeping him pushed far enough away to where he wouldn't be able to hurt me unless it was a superficial kind of hurt. I decided the other night that I wanted to try to get closer and see if that would help us.

This is rather difficult to type...

So, I let him kiss my neck the other night because he had done it once during the day and I wanted him to do it some more so I told him he could only if he would respect me. Let me say again here that I didn't know how scared I was of him until this. I let him do that some more and it wasn't just a few minutes until I was crying. I know that he moved his hand down beside my side and I didn't know what was going to happen. I asked him to stop and then I held him tight to me and cried and was shaking and told him to please not hurt me. He just hugged me and kept telling me that I was okay and he wasn't going to hurt me. I don't know how long I laid there like that and cried. I really don't. I told him that the last time this happened, he ended up hurting me really bad and I didn't know I was this scared of it until now. I kept telling him that I was sorry and that I just didn't want to be hurt again to which he kept reassuring me that he wasn't going to hurt me and that I was okay. It was kind of nice that he hugged me the whole time I cried and the whole time he kept reassuring me.

I'm not going to say that I needed all that to happen the way it did but I'm not going to say that I didn't either. I wasn't expecting to cry. I wasn't expecting to lay there and shake out of fear. It just all...happened.

I'm glad it's over. I didn't know it was going to happen that way and I'm a little nervous to let it happen again. But I do trust him more. Not a whole lot but I do trust him a little bit more. I know it takes small steps and little things like that to gain trust back.

I'm still skeptical and still afraid (obviously). I will be careful. I won't be hurt again.

I'm just glad that he respected me and took my crying serious this time.

This is for me...and for you

This song is amazing

Meredith Andrews~In Your Arms

I’m turning the world off
Embracing the silence
Walking away from all the voices
That are Screaming in my ear

I've been too caught up
I've been so stressed out
All of the noise replaced the whisper
That used to be so clear

So I close every door
Put my face back on the floor

And I'm in Your arms
Where I belong
There's no other place for me
Than right where You are
Some things just don't change
When I call Your name
You never hesitate to wrap me in endless grace
When I'm in Your arms

I’m letting my fears go
Giving You control
For You are the one who holds me closer
In my soul's darkest night

Everything I see
Is so temporary
So help me to run the race before me
With eternity in sight
Find More lyrics at www.sweetslyrics.com

Now I close every door
Put my face back on the floor

And I'm in Your arms
Where I belong
There's no other place for me
Than right where You are
Some things just don't change
When I call Your name
You never hesitate to wrap me in endless grace
When I'm in Your arms

To sit at Your feet
At Your table of mercy
To gaze on Your beauty, my Lord
To drink from Your well
And be changed by Your glory
How could I ask for more
Jesus, how could I ask for more

And I'm in Your arms
Where I belong
There's no other place for me
Than right where You are
Some things just don't change
When I call Your name
You never hesitate to wrap me in endless grace
When I'm in Your arms

I got my husband a sweet card today. I thought it would help him see that I am trying. It nearly put him to tears.

"Darling...

...Thanks for putting up with all my crap."

"I'll love you for heifer"

I wrote a little extra in it but there's nothing I could really say that the card didn't already say. I really am thankful for him sticking by me through my piles of manure. He didn't have to stick by me but he does and for that I am thankful.

I may very well get fired today. My meeting has been scheduled today at 2. Lovely.

Scared. Pretty scared. At least I'm a better Mom when I'm scared. That part has always worked better for me.

What I want for Christmas...

...is a good dose of happiness. I've been alone for a long time. I've worked hard on making good choices during my alone time. That in itself is a good thing. Even though I'm doing well on making good choices doesn't change the fact that I am alone a lot. I don't necessarily think that my happiness would be based on being alone or not. I know it has a lot to do with my state of mind.

I guess I just need things to turn around and I need to see some light on current situations.

I also need a best friend. Male or female, it doesn't matter to me.

I need some wisdom in some decisions and I need peace about some things.

Those things will all be on my Christmas list for this year.

I want to be with Jesus

Ok. Ok.

I'll be the one to move out.

I'm not a good wife

I'm going to need the dear good Lord to prove himself bigger than me today because I know this test is totally going to kick my butt. I didn't have money to buy the practice test but I think it would have been a good idea to do everything I could to get hold of one.

I need to do well to get into Sonography or Radiography next year. This may very well be what stands in the way of me and my degree.

I'm going to do my best regardless.

Then I want to see my Daniel. My loves him.

I would like to pretend that it is 85 degrees outside and put on my 2 piece and head outside and lay out in the beautiful sunshine and let my body soak in the rays. heck to tha yessssss

I've been kind of down in the dumps lately. It's been hard to hold my head up and be grateful for things. I know everyone gets to that point at different times throughout their lives. I really hate feeling stuck like I have been. I've been sad and depressed and wondering what this life is even for. A lot of times my physical health contributes to the decline of my emotional health. I was feeling good a couple days in a row last week so I decided to catch up on my laundry and after doing laundry and dishes for about 4 or 5 hours I began to get a migraine. It's because I did too much and my neck started hurting which led to the migraine. Then I had to take my medicines for 2 days to keep the migraine from overtaking me and of course my medicine keeps me from being able to properly function also.

So yesterday I got my final paper turned in and finished my English class. That took some stress off of me. I was still stressed about the fact that there is $30 that has to last until next Tuesday that I found out about yesterday morning. I haven't been able to work so I can't make money to help out. That's a week to have only the food we already have and the gas we already have and when I looked down at the fuel gage and saw there was only 1/4 a tank of gas left I felt overloaded and unable to do anything. While I was driving, a song came on that I really love.

For your nearness Lord I hunger
For your nearness Lord I wait
Hold me ever closer Father
Such a love I can't escape

For your nearness I am hoping
For your nearness Lord I long
Have no need of any other
I have found where I belong
Yes, I have found where I belong

So draw me nearer Lord
Never let me go
Closer to your heart
Draw me nearer Lord
Draw me nearer Lord

In your nearness there is healing
What was broken now made whole
Restoration in it's fullness
Lasting hope for all who come

In your nearness I take shelter
Where you are is where I'm home
I have need of only one thing
To be here before your throne
To be here before you throne

So draw me nearer Lord
Never let me go
Closer to your heart
Draw me nearer Lord

So draw me nearer Lord
Never let me go
Closer to your heart
Draw me nearer Lord
Draw me nearer Lord

And keep me here, keep me here
There's nowhere else I rather be
So keep me here, keep me here
There's nowhere else I rather be
There's nowhere else I rather be

So draw me nearer Lord
Never let me go
Closer to your heart
Draw me nearer Lord
Draw me nearer Lord
Draw me nearer my Lord

This was one of those times that I couldn't sing the words. My mind wouldn't stay focused on them. So I just kept saying "Hear these words God. Here these words. I need these words to be mine." I really believe He heard me because my day took a drastic turn for the better.

I got hours at Subway and I start back there next week. That's going to start helping with the money issue. I got a text from someone telling me they would fill up the car with gas if I would meet them at Ingles. So of course I did. Those were 2 very wonderful things to help me. It took a huge load off of me. I feel a little more relieved today. I feel like I have a place even if it's making sandwiches or whatever I will be doing when I go back.

I'm thankful for yesterday and how God chose those particular ways to meet some of my needs. It only took me taking a couple minutes to open myself to Him and ask Him to hear those words as if it were me saying them because I really didn't have strength to say them myself. He is faithful. I don't know why I doubt Him the way that I do. I'm glad He's persistent in proving Himself to me. That's the kind of love that I need from Him.

Too Cold

brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

I wish this wasn't public at all.

Then I could say exactly what I want to say right now.

It isn't good. I'm sure that was understood already.

I'm sure someone already knows because they've saved my life many times before.

Easy button please?

I obviously can't follow through when I say I will quit blogging. It's about the best form of relief I have to get out some thing that I want to say. So, I guess I'll stay awhile longer.

I was going to post the video of Makenna's Christmas party/recital but it will take about an hour and a half and I didn't have time to do that yesterday.

I'm not feeling well today. My insides still feel like they could fall out of me at any given second. It makes me feel like I have to walk weird to hold it all in. that's gross, yes. I hope that this feeling will be taken care of very soon so I can feel better.

All afternoon the kids have been playing "Nate, Jessica, and Lily". Weird. I happen to be Jessica's Mom. Weird again.

My new camera is amazing. I put on my Christmas list this year that I wanted a Canon. That's all I put because I don't know details of cameras. I didn't think I would get one but here it is. I'm really happy about it. I still don't know much about it but I'm happy to learn.

I know that finals are this week for many people. I only have one Monday, unless the snow cancels classes, which I think will happen because it's nasty outside right now. So I should have a day or 2 longer to work on it. I will pray lots for those with many more and more difficult finals this week.

My heart and mind are bombarded with so much right now. Sometimes I don't know what to do. I wish there was an easy button to make things easier and more convenient and less painful. I don't want to be depressed but it still overtakes me. I want happiness to invade. I'm waiting for that still. I believe it will come with time.

I don't know what else to say. I'm just still hurting and I wait for God to work all of that out.

I'm pretty much going to stop blogging

Or perhaps start a brand new one

I'm undecided on that

All I know to do is take a shower until all the warm water is gone...then do it all over again.

It's been a long weekend away from my kids. I didn't necessarily want them to be gone but there was so much that I needed to get done, it was pretty much the only way to work everything out. I miss them so much! I can't wait for them to get home in a couple hours. I think that we may have a nail painting party. I'll do Makenna's and I'll let Isaiah paint my toenails. He really likes doing that :) I think it's so sweet. It doesn't look all that good...haha...but it's sweet. He's going to make some woman very happy when he gets older. But for now, he can be my little sweetheart and we can enjoy each other. I'm ready for them to come on home now.

My friends are willingly hurting themselves tonight. One won't text me back. Another is texting me nonstop. I have no idea what to do at this point because I can't do anything for either of them. This is the part where I feel worthless and like my words are only that, words. This sucks! I'm going to need my friends to take better care of themselves and do the freakin right thing!

can't sleep

I'm Sorry

I had to. It was necessary.

No need for anger. Anger isn't worth anyone's time.

I don't know what else to say

I'm sorry

This aching heart is beginning to cry

The kids are going to spend a long weekend with their grandparents starting tonight and I will have a lot of that time by myself. I'm happy about it (other than them being where they will be). I have a full day of homework tomorrow that has to be done. I can't put it off another day. I'm glad it's just one class or I would be in a mess.

I'm looking forward to some quiet time. I need time to think and gather my thoughts and feelings. I may very well end up writing a lot. Pen and paper though, not typing. I tend to write more freely with pen and paper. So maybe I'll take some of my time to do that.

I also have my first Upward Basketball practice Saturday. I hope it goes well. I get nervous coaching but...we'll just see what happens. Meeting all the parents makes me nervous too. I always feel like I'm not going to be good enough for adults anymore. There are many that I know look down on me for who I am. I'm not going to change who I am to please some adults. I'm going to be me and I'm going to be the best me that I can be. I just want these parents to be okay with who I am and be okay with me being an influence in their kids lives.

I'm to the point that I don't know if I will even go out and do anything while the kids are gone. That's how badly I am needing quiet time and alone time. I just have to trust myself to behave during that time. I'm pretty sure that I can behave because I'm going to be my kids hero. I will make them proud of me.

Scared tonight. I really dislike this fear that I get in certain situations. I guess its unnecessary but yet the fear still overtakes me. I need to get to where I don't get scared. I'll work through this eventually, somehow.

Winter Wonder Slam

I was just given the sweetest card from the sweetest kids in the world. Inside was 2 tickets to the Winter Wonder Slam for Sunday night!!! Skillet will be in the house! I'm totally ready for the weekend now. It's going to be wonderful. I'm always up for soaking in the beat of the bass drum inside my chest making it feel like my heart is trying to beat right out of me. I'm totally ready. I believe floor level on the 8th row is calling my name!!! Gosh I'm so ready. I need an escape and music is one of the best escapes I can think of. Especially Skillet. OMG!! I'm excited =D

No more blog for a bit. It's time for it to have a rest. Goodbye for awhile.

Beautiful start to a good day! Singing, bringing in the newness :)

Lovelovelove

Why can't friends be friendly when you barely get to see them? I don't understand. Love is a strange thing with how it keeps taking you back.

Chocolate milk anyone?

I want to feel good today ='(

I miss my friends. Every one of them.

I want good hugs. I got a few this week that were amazing. I want more of them.

I want Lindsey to go shoe shopping with Makenna and I. What a fun time! I'll see if it works out.

I am going to get chocolate milk now. It's always a good time for chocolate milk.

It's the day after Thanksgiving. I'm still not feeling well. I had a very rough day yesterday with stomach pain. Even with Tramadol in my system I still could feel the pain. I slept on my parents couch the entire time Nate was gone to visit with his family, nearly 4 hours. After he picked me up, we had to pull over on the side of the road so I could throw up. I had been nauseated since about 4 that afternoon but it didn't take control of me until about 8:30. We finally got settled in the house and got in bed then it was about 30 minutes later I was throwing up again. I don't know what's going on with me but here I am this morning, still hurting, hungry, scared to eat because I really don't want to throw up again. But I know I need to eat because I am very weak. I called the doctor yesterday and the day before. I may have to call again today. I just want to feel better.

For some reason I want chocolate milk....

I may be better off...

After You Say "I Do"

I would really like to compare that to the readings and questions of "Before You Say "I Do"" and see how big of a difference there is. Maybe reading it 6 years ago would have been a great benefit to me in one way or another. But apart from having my thoughts in the past, I really have only few good answers to the current questions. This is rather difficult. I don't think it's just because it's 1 am either. I think it's because I truly don't have many good answers. There are friendships that I have with a few people that I can give good answers to all of these questions and it be much more of what I am looking for. So, consider me discouraged, as if today wasn't enough of a discouragement.

Sometimes I feel like I am running circles chasing the tail that has been surgically removed, hence, I will never catch it. That's definite discouragement and frustration mixed with quite the stupidity. Faith can often appear to some as stupidity. I look at myself lately and wonder if it's stupidity or faith or maybe even a combination of the two. I am guessing it's probably a good combination.

10 different things that are a firm foundation? Psshhh...please don't make me laugh right now. Really? 10? You want 10? I don't have 10. I may have 2. MAYBE.

Now take a separate sheet of paper and list the reasons why I got married. You really want me to take out a separate sheet of paper? I can write it in the 1 inch block provided below the question. No need to waste a perfectly good sheet of paper. Then write why I think he married me? That one may fit in a 2 inch block if you can provide that for me too. People, MAKE GOOD DECISIONS WHEN THEY'RE IMPORTANT AND LIFE LONG! DON'T BE AN IDIOT!!

Finally, "discuss with your spouse". That means to talk. to. me. If it says "discuss" then it isn't complete until the discussion has taken place. Discussing includes communication of some sort, at some point, in order for there to be completion. Please and thank you very much.

And furthermore......I just wanted to say furthermore to add a little bit of awkward humor to the mix. 'Cause who says "furthermore" in a blog?

I'm not going to let this day screw with me. I'm going to have a good day because I refuse to let this day get me down. I feel pretty good today. It's the first day in a very long time that I feel capable of doing something as simple as laundry. So I'm going to do my best to make the most of this day and make it as productive as possible. So my goal is to fold all the laundry I have washed and get it put away. Clean the whole kitchen (which is nearly done). Clean the bathrooms. Get stuff taken away to storage so it's out of my way. That includes lots of toys that the kids don't play with so we can make room for a few new things at Christmas time. Ready annnnnnd BREAK!

Frustrated

The truth shall set you free?

Sometimes the truth hurts?

It's better to be caught in the truth than to be caught in a lie?

I guess the truth is best even when it will probably hurt some people the most.

I feel like I've done a lot of telling the truth lately, but when I do that, people are hurt worse by it. I can't necessarily help how I feel. It tends to make others happier when I'm not completely truthful 'cause my honesty sucks!

It's emotionally exhausting.

scared

Trip 1 to the doctor

Could have been worse, yet, could have been better.

More than likely going to be another trip soon. Not looking forward to that one.

Trip 2 to the doctor-tomorrow

Not looking forward to even the smallest part of the procedure.

Looking forward to good results though.

Scared, nervous, stressed.

These 3 emotions are strongly settled deeply inside me right now.

Rest is a necessity. Not so much a luxury.

I'll take what I can get.

Love-another necessity. A good topic for a later post.

I'm kind of tired of blogging and facebooking. I think I'm going to do a blog ban and facebook ban for a little bit. I'll see how long that lasts. Goodbye blog world.

I feel like my body is falling to pieces. Everyday I am in some sort of pain that I can't do much to fix or prevent. The new doctor that I'm seeing for my back and neck should be able to help my neck tremendously next Tuesday. I'm not looking forward to the procedure but I'm looking forward to the relief I should be getting afterward. On top of that, I feel like my insides are going to fall out at any minute. I've felt this way for around a week. I don't want to get graphic with explaining it...

So now I have 2 trips to the doctor next week, one to fix my neck and one to see what's wrong with my insides, if anything. I just want an answer and I really want to feel better.

I'm not liking homework right now. It's stressing me. I can't seem to get ahead. I'm just barely cutting it on time. Maybe between appointments tomorrow, I can get caught up. Guh

I'm going to see the pain management doctor in about an hour. I'm not sure that "scared" is a good word but it's close enough...I'm scared out of my mind.

wreckless abandon wrapped in common sense

I feel like such an idiot for some of my struggles

So, Grandpa has cancer. He had surgery to remove the tumor this morning but they couldn't get it all out. It was much larger than they thought. It was embedded in the bladder wall and it had closed the opening to one of the tubes in his kidney. The doctor said it appeared to have been growing there for about a year. They're sending the tumor to pathology to see what stage of cancer it is. This sucks. It's good to know that God is bigger than a little bladder though. I don't really know what to say now...

Tuesday Tuesday

Today has not been what I expected. It has been so much better. I love being in a band and playing music and singing. I know it's just a "church praise band and praise team" but we do really well and are a really good band. I am honored to play with the people I play with and there are a couple that I really enjoy singing with. So today I got to sing with those people. We rehearsed "Never Alone" by Barlow Girl and OH MY GOSH it sounds so good. I'm really excited! When the full band plays it's going to be amazing!

Every bit of my day with Nate was wonderful. We got to talk a lot after practice and it's nice being able to get on the same page with a few things.

This evening was really good too. Carol has been encouraging me to go to Celebrate Recovery. I finally went tonight and she went with me. She's such a good friend to me. I'm glad I have her. There's never been even a hint of judgement for any of my past and she has helped me a lot with many things and I found out tonight that she has been in many of the same spots I have been in, and then some. It's just nice to have her and know that I can tell her anything and that it will be safe with her, but not only that, she will help me with these things too. She pretty much knows everything there is to know about me and I'm glad that she does. She's like a second mom and I've never had openness with my mom like I have with her and I love this.

I'm thankful for this wonderful say. Now it's time for some rest. I'm really tired.

Livid<>I can't believe my eyes<>Livid

Crushed<>Her number is in the phone records too much<>Crushed

I would ask questions but if you can't tell<>I'm livid and crushed

Tired

I'm tired of talking about my problems. I know that I have gotten help with things because I have been opening up but it's getting rather exhausting. I've opened up more than I ever thought I would about many things but I am ready to go back in my shell and shut the door for a couple months and just rest. I'd do some homework in there too with my music cranked up!

I don't necessarily want or need to cry. I guess I just want some quiet time. A couple days without the cell phone, computer, kids, anyone. Just a couple days of sleep and rest and homework. That would be enough to settle my mind I would hope.

I think I'm rather stressed about my visit to the new doctor next Monday. It's only a week away. Guh. I'm extremely nervous. So, maybe after that passes I can chill out a little too.

Well heck

Sunday

Today was quite wonderful! I got to play an awesome set of songs at church this morning. Not really songs that were rockin out but songs that I really enjoy playing. I learned a new one this morning, which was really challenging, but I was pleased with how it turned out and even got a compliment from someone about it. It's always nice when someone recognizes your hard work and makes it a point to find you and give you a few encouraging words.

It's just been a good day. A lot different from Friday and Saturday. I needed today to be everything that it has been. Family, friends, food, rest, preaching (he preached to only me today it seemed like), confessions, no judgement, encouragement, love. It's been good.

God is faithful.

So many things on my heart and mind tonight. It seems like they are almost fighting each other. It's been a battle. I don't necessarily like it. I'm up for a good challenge but when there's so much conflict between my heart and my head, I become overloaded and exhausted.

I don't know what more to say tonight. My writings could easily become ramblings and I don't want that.

I'm tired. I am now on antibiotics, on top of the pain meds and muscle relaxers. My physical health frustrates me. One day I will be better though.

I think it's time for sleep.

Could this night get any worse?

='(''''

It's time to crank out 3 chapters of reading and an essay

Awesome hair day

Heck yes

AND my eyeliner went on right the FIRST try

Good day...good day

Let It Go

Visions and chaos are flooding my mind

Of things only time is meant to heal

The hurt and the struggles appear once again

I don't know when it will ever end

But I turn to the Master time after time

'Cause He's the one in control

He has the power, He has the blood

He has the healing, He has the love

He has the joy, He has the peace

He has the mercy, He knows what I need

He holds tomorrow, He hold today

My God is with me, He'll make it okay

He has forgiveness, He has control

He says He's ready if you'll let it go

Each mornings a new day

It comes with the dawn

I find His mercy renewing my song

His Word is the answer

Just trust and believe

He'll prove Himself to you

Try Him, you'll see

Turn to the Master time after time

'Cause He's the one in control

He has the power, He has the blood

He has the healing, He has the love

He has the joy, He has the peace

He has the mercy, He knows what I need

He holds tomorrow, He hold today

My God is with me, He'll make it okay

He has forgiveness, He has control

He says He's ready if you'll let it go

Just trust in the new day

He'll make it okay

His love is unfailing

He'll wash it away

'Cause He has forgiveness, He has control

He says He's ready if you'll let it go

He says He's ready, just let it go

Just let it go

Today has sucked!

It's been very hard.

Now a good friend is inviting herself over to get some honesty out of me and then I guess try to chill me out.

On the up side, I pray for you my special friend who has appeared to have a rough day herself. Let Him hold you longer. Love, always.

Good long weekend

It's been a great weekend. It's been long and busy but it has been so good. I can't recall it all right now but the highlight of it was working at Asheville Pregnancy Support Services. Michele and I painted for a couple hours. They needed painting on the outside where someone totally messed up when they painted all the shutters with spray paint and pretty much painted all around the edge of all of them. So her and I fixed all that and painted the trim work around the exit door. It wasn't a lot of work but it was nice to be able to give my time there.

The reason I was most excited about helping there is because I wanted to get in and meet some people and learn about what all they do and find myself an in. I believe I found it! I met the director of the place. Her name is Deb. We talked for a little bit after we were done painting and I told her that my heart has been leading me towards helping young women and I have recently applied for the Sonography program. She gave me her card and another lady's card. I think the other lady does the training there. I am going to email her this week and see how I can get involved.

Deb was telling me that they do ultrasound training in house and when you finish the training you get licensed. That about blew me away because I didn't know you could just get licensed. So when I email the other lady I am going to see how I can get in and tell her I am interested in being trained and licensed and then I will follow up next year with the degree in it. That would be so cool! I'm not sure if it will all work like that. It may not be God's plan for me. I am open to that plan, as well as whatever else. I just want to be involved in helping these young women. I also want to be involved in helping other young women but I'm unsure of the specific training just yet. That will come with time.

I'm excited about the few doors that seem to be opening up for me. They are impressive and exciting and make me a little nervous but I'm ready to step out and do something.

It's been a wonderful day. I have enjoyed nearly every bit of it. I've been blessed.

My yard sale went smoothly. The kids were wonderful for me today. I got to spend some time with Michele and that part was nice. Other things came along during my day and I am thankful for God working in them.

The missions conference was nice tonight. It wasn't what I expected. It was a whole lot better.

I'm looking forward to tomorrow. The cross connection work that I will be doing is at Asheville Pregnancy Support Center (I think is what it's called). I'm not sure what all I will be doing there, or who I will be working with, but I'm excited to be able to go there and help out for a few hours.

You know, I'm also very thankful for all my friends and for the wonderful things that I see happening in different relationships. It's really cool.

I have completed my first assignment and now my neck is on fire. When will this pain move on? I really would like to hold my kids without it hurting. Heck, or even drive without it hurting. Grrrrrr

Pain

Natural ;)

Out of prison

This has been quite the weekend. I've said for nearly the past year that I want a luau for my 25th birthday and it actually happened! I was so excited!! It was a couple weeks late but my friends put together a wonderful party with everything you would want at a luau. I would have to say that my favorite parts were the music and the chocolate fountain with the Oreo's. It was a freakin amazing night!

I started counseling Thursday. It was a lot better than other counseling that I've been to. 16 weeks have begun. I'm hoping that good things will happen and addictions will be overcome.

Friday night I was privileged to spend a few hours with a couple of women and had a nice dinner and heard a young woman open up her heart about her past homosexual lifestyle. It was pretty awesome to sit and listen to her be so open and honest and hear how God had taken her out of it. She was in that relationship for a few years but now has been out for 12 years! It was amazing to hear the work that God has done! She's a member of the church that I go to and it was just cool to be able to hear her story. I believe this was the first time she has shared, in depth, about her past. 12 years...and she's finally sharing. One thing that stuck out in my mind is when she said "Others come out of the closet, I was able to come out of prison". God is amazing!

Saturday I had a yard sale and made around $130. It was good to get rid of some stuff. Hopefully I'll be able to have another one and make a little more.

Then Saturday night we went to the Globetrotters game at NBHS. I ran the scoreboard, which was new to me, but it was fun. I was included in their act they were doing because of running the scoreboard. It was a blast!

I've been exhausted and nearly to the point of being sick. There's just been so much going on. Physically and emotionally, I am worn out. A good 24 hours of sleep would be wonderful.

Makenna has dance again today! I know she is excited. Isaiah starts Karate this week. I think he will do well and learn a lot and hopefully it will be good for him. (I'm a little nervous because I don't want Makenna or myself to become a punching bag...). I also start school this week. I'm hoping everything goes smoothly.

Maybe I'll get that sleep I've been needing or get some good antibiotics or something.

Bring on the week!

I didn't realize my life would become such an open book

I guess the only way to get infection out of a wound is to open it and clean it out

That's the only way for it to heal healthily

Yes, it will scar, but it will be healed

Baby steps

Makenna had such a good time yesterday in ballet. Ms. Beth even said she did really well. So that makes me happy.

I start school in 1 week from today. It's just an English class but it's important because it applies to the programs I have applied for. When I took the placement test I was totally blown away by my scores. I'm not sure how you make a 101 on something....but I did. All of my scores were really good. It's always nice to do so well, especially being out of high school for 7 years :) So I've now applied to Sonography as my first choice and Radiography as my second, both for fall of 2011. I have 1 more test to do before I have completed the application process but I'm waiting on some money to come in because I have to pay for it.

I really hope that I get into sonography because it's really been on my heart the past year or so to help young women, no matter what the circumstance. Working at a crisis pregnancy center has been on my heart for awhile also, as well as after gaining a lot of experience in a place like that, to be able to take those skills to the mission field and help young women who are expecting and help them make the most of their pregnancy and monitor their progress and keep their babies healthy.

I would love to have a degree in both for the sake of the mission field so that I wouldn't be bound to only pregnancies but also be able to help in many areas of peoples health.

This is the first time I have voiced all of this but it has been heavy on my heart for nearly a year. I want to learn all I can, to help as many people as I can. It would be pointless for me to have a degree and have a lot of knowledge and only use it to gain money. I want to have a servants heart with my knowledge and do something with it to help people who genuinely need help. How cool would it be to go help Ms. Amick in Honduras, in her medical clinic? I haven't seen her since high school but I'm thankful for the hard work she has put in there. It would be so cool to go there and live there and get into peoples lives and help them medically and see them trust Christ with their lives and with their health!!

I get so excited about things like that. It doesn't have to be Honduras. I just want to be used, somewhere, to help people, especially young women. My heart is totally there. I wish I didn't have to wait to finish school because I'm impatient and want it all to happen now. But I have to wait, and get educated with it all, and put everything I have into it, and do my best FIRST, and then I will be rewarded with being able to get into peoples lives and help them!

May the Lord bless and keep me where He wants me and may I be used solely to please Him. I want my Father happy with me.

Back at it

Hellloooooo blog! I've missed writing. I'm happy to be able to get back at it.

Makenna starts ballet class at Asheville Dance today! I'm soooo excited for her. She loves it. She dances all over the house. It's freakin adorable. Right now, she's trying to get her little ballet shoes on. Gosh I love it :)

I found a leotard that someone had given her. It's black, long sleeved, suede, with a little bitty bow on the front at her chest. It kept falling off her shoulders so I put a really nice strap on the back of it to keep it from falling off. It's so beautiful. We got her a little skirt that she can wear when she feels like it. I think she's in love with it! It makes me happy to see my 3 year old getting excited about something. It's cool to see her personality come out with it too.

Now if we can figure out how to get the little redneck boy involved in something not so redneck. I'm still waiting for that day...

I feel like I have so much to write because it's been nearly 2 weeks since I've written anything. I guess I'll get caught up soon.

The Ending Has Come

Philippains 3:7-9

⁷ I once thought these things were valuable, but now I consider them worthless because of what Christ has done. ⁸ Yes, everything else is worthless when compared with the infinite value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have discarded everything else, counting it all as garbage, so that I could gain Christ ⁹ and become one with him.

My nervous jitters were appropriate. I am not progressing well so I am out of work another 8 weeks. The treatment that I have been having is not working well. I ended up seeing the doctor, getting an MRI and more x-rays. I wasn't expecting anything but seeing the doctor. The new recommended treatment isn't very exciting but if it will work for me and help my pain then I am willing to try. It involves tiny needles inserted into my neck to locate and numb the nerves that are giving me trouble. Once the nerves are located and numbed, they will then be cooked (destroyed) so the pain goes away. Once the pain is gone, I will be able to strengthen the muscles that are locked up in my neck. Then when the nerves grows back, between 1 and 3 years, the pain should not come back because the muscle will be strong enough to not let the bones pinch the nerves.

I'm not very excited about the needles, although it is a very interesting process. It pretty much makes me cringe like no other to think about it. I guess I'm ready to get it started though and get it done so I can feel better.

One of the good parts about not being able to work is that I'm going to start back to school. I'm going to register next monday for a minimester to finish out this semester and get another class down. I take the placement test Monday also. I hope I place out of math because I really don't want to take a math class. It wouldn't hurt because I like math, but I just don't want to take one. So hopefully my scores will be well enough to test out of several classes. That's my goal anyway!

I'm glad that I have the Great Provider on my side. Even though I've been out of work for over a month already, all my bills have been paid, there has always been gas in my car to get me where I need to go, I've never been hungry without having something to eat. All my NEEDS have been met and I'm more than thankful. I am truly blessed. I will continue to give Him all my thanks and praise. I'm looking forward to seeing what else He is going to do that is more than wonderful in my life because He is good.

Terrible nervous jitters about seeing the doctor today

Today sucks. It just does. This whole accountability thing bites. I mean, it's nice to have people who have your back, but some days you just want to do what you want to do.

Gah!!!

Well that was fun huh? I believe I've said it before. Keep your hands to yourself or you're gone. Yeah. Deal with it. 'Cause it's done. Byebye

Lavishly our lives are wasted
Humbleness is left untasted
You can't live your life to please yourself, yeah
That's a tip from my mistakes
Exactly what it doesn't take
To win you've got to come in last place
To live your life you've got to lose it
And all the losers get a crown

CHORUS:
I get down and He lifts me up
I get down and He lifts me up
I get down and He lifts me up
I get down

All I need's another day
Where I can't seem to get away
From the many things that drag me down
I'm sure you've had a day like me
Where nothing seems to set you free
From the burdens you can't carry all alone
In your weakness He is stronger
In your darkness He shines through
When you're crying He's your comfort
When you're all alone He's carrying you

CHORUS:
I get down and He lifts me up
I get down and He lifts me up
I get down and He lifts me up
I get down

This valley is so deep
I can barely see the sun
I cry out for mercy, Lord
You lift me up again

CHORUS:
I get down and He lifts me up
I get down and He lifts me up
I get down and He lifts me up
I get down

Audio Adrenaline - I Get Down

Bygones and so on and so on

When will this ever end
I thought that you forgave me then
So why do we argue so, I want to know
Yes ma'am, we both made some mistakes
That caused our hearts to break
But we must learn to forgive and love again

There are some things I wish that I could change, oh yes I do
But if we’re going to move forward let bygones be bygones, so long
I don’t want to talk about it, let bygones be bygones, so long
I don’t want to talk about it, let bygones be bygones

Bygones, oh yeah

Now I will be the first to say
Sorry for treating you that way
But that was so long ago you gotta let it go
There are some things I wish that I could change, oh yes I do
But if we’re going to move forward let bygones be bygones, so long,
I don’t want to talk about it let bygones be bygones, so long
I don’t want to talk about it let bygones be bygones

We should be living for today
Can’t let our past get in our way
Let bygones be bygones, so long
I don’t want to talk about it let bygones be bygones, bygones, so long
I don’t want to talk about it let bygones be bygones
I don’t want to talk about it let bygones be bygones

Can’t you hear me say, bye, bye, bye
I don’t want to talk about it let bygones be bygones, so long

The walls between
You and I

Always pushing us apart nothing left but scars fight after fight

The space between
Our calm and rage
started growing shorter , disappearing slowly day after day

I was sitting there waiting in my room for you
You were waiting for me too
And it makes me wonder

The older I get
Will I get over it
It's been way too long for the times we missed

I didn't know then it would hurt like this but I think
The older I get
Maybe I'll get over it
It's been way too long for the times we missed
I can't believe it still hurts like this

The time between
Those cutting words
Built up our defenses never made no sense it just made me hurt
Do you believe
That time heals all wounds
It started getting better but it's easy not to fight when I'm not with you

What was I waiting for
I should've taken less and given you more
I should've weathered the storm
I need to say so bad
What were you waiting for
This could have been the best we ever had


I'm just getting older
I'm not getting over you I'm trying to
I wish it didn't hurt like this
It's been way too long for the times we missed
I can't believe it still hurts like this

I really don't know what to do at this point. When a 25 minute conversation puts me to tears simply because of the stress...what now? There was no bitterness, no anger, nor did there seem to be any resentment. The older I get, will I get over it?

I don't know

I've had 2 guys tell me they wish they were here at the beach with me. What the heck?! How does this happen to me!?!?!

I'm missing my friends like crazy! I know I'm at the beach on vacation but I wish they could have come with me or something. I'm ready to go back home already because I miss them so much! It's great to have all these people that I have become so close to. I never thought I would have a bunch of really tight friends like this. I love them and I'm ready to have some good friend time when I get back!

Sunnyshinnin'

What a beautiful day and a wonderful week!

The best part about being at a beach and a pool where no one knows you is that you can where a bikini when your body isn't quite ready for a bikini and not care near as much because no one knows you :) I'm lovin' that part. My stomach hasn't had sun on it in quite awhile.

I also think that when I get back to physical therapy next week I'm going to ask if there's any way I can do some water therapy for my back. I have been able to swim with very little pain and this is the most activity I've been able to do in a month.

The point of my therapy is to strengthen the muscles under my abs. I know I can do that with swimming. No wonder swimmers have awesome stomachs!

Well, the kids just woke up from their nap so it's time to get back outside. Yippie :)

Climbing Gear

I have heard many times that as a follower of Christ you will experience many of the highest mountain tops as well as the bottom of the lowest valleys. I've seen this pattern throughout the years that I have claimed Jesus as Lord of my life. I've noticed recently that every time I feel I have made the climb to the top of the mountain, I only stay there maybe a day or two. Then I only see the top of the mountain as I lay flat on my back from tumbling down the other side of the mountain I have just conquered only to face the next mountain climb that begins across the valley I must first walk through.

Typically it's hard to see the top of the mountain when you're down in the current valley. There tends to be a fog at some point and it's hard to see the sun/son shining through the clouds. Here and there you catch a glimpse and remember that once you've made the climb you know that the light from the sun/son is going to shine so brightly on your face and all you will have to do is sit there in its presence and embrace it.

I feel I have been at the top of the mountain for the past few days. I was even thinking that very thing today. So yeah, it happened, here I am scratched and bruised from the tumble. This valley doesn't appear to be a very low one but I know that if I don't keep my eyes focusing upward, I will realize that I am near the edge of a cliff that caught me on the way down and there is further to fall if I don't keep my feet planted and bust my butt getting back to the top.

I believe the climb is worth it. I believe it is worth my time, energy and efforts.

I want to give back the love He gave to me first. I have felt so in love the past few weeks with the man who created me. He loves me so much. He holds me. He dries my tears off my cheeks. He comforts me. He provides for me. I know I need to get my climbing gear on and not let Him down. Lovers don't intend to let each other down. That's what He is. He's the lover above all others.

I see his hand reaching down to help me up. Will I reach to grab His? Or will I make Him come all the way down to where I am to help me up? I need to reach up. I need to look up and look in His eyes. Oh the comfort that comes from looking in your lovers eyes.

Jesus please give me the right tools and the strength to climb

Please

I look around and see my wonderful life
Almost perfect from the outside
In picture frames I see my beautiful wife
Always smiling
But on the inside, I can hear her saying...

“Lead me with strong hands
Stand up when I can't
Don't leave me hungry for love
Chasing dreams, what about us?

Show me you're willing to fight
That I'm still the love of your life
I know we call this our home
But I still feel alone”

I see their faces, look in their innocent eyes
They're just children from the outside
I'm working hard, I tell myself they'll be fine
They're in independent
But on the inside, I can hear them saying...

“Lead me with strong hands
Stand up when I can't
Don't leave me hungry for love
Chasing dreams, but what about us?

Show me you're willing to fight
That I'm still the love of your life
I know we call this our home
But I still feel alone”

So Father, give me the strength
To be everything I'm called to be
Oh, Father, show me the way
To lead them
Won't You lead me?

To lead them with strong hands
To stand up when they can't
Don't want to leave them hungry for love,
Chasing things that I could give up

I'll show them I'm willing to fight
And give them the best of my life
So we can call this our home
Lead me, 'cause I can't do this alone

Father, lead me, 'cause I can't do this alone

Sanctus Real ~ Lead Me

With love

Is "no" really that hard to understand?

There must be some weird translation that happens to my words in the air just outside my mouth. For some reason when I say "no" it's missed or something. Why can't "no" be "no" and left at that? Is it really that hard? Or even when I say it several times...how is it still not heard?! Maybe it's just a guy thing. Maybe guys hear my "no" as more of a "lay it on me". I just don't get it. It makes me sick and I'm so tired of that continuing to happen to me. If I say "no", I freakin mean it!! That's why I said it to begin with!! If my "no" can't be respected, put your hands in your pockets and walk away from me and don't plan on coming back. I'm going to give respect. I would like that in return. Thank you.

Lift your praises

The freedom to worship DID continue! There is nothing like getting past your fears of praising God among other believers. I mean, how funny is that? For real?! "Too afraid to give the Almighty the praise He deserves while you're with others that are there for the same purpose."

There's nothing like closing your eyes and singing songs of praise to Him while lifting your hands straight up to Him. It's a feeling of total surrender and trust. He's been reaching down His hand the whole time to hold ours, but we've been neglecting to raise our hands to meet His. How ignorant can we be?

The last time I felt free to raise my hands in surrender and in praise was while laying face down on the floor in my living room, sobbing and pouring out my heart to Christ. He loves that!

You are righteous
You love justice
And those who honour You
Will see your face

I will arise and lift my eyes to see
Your majesty
Your holiness
And all I am will bless you

My hope is in the Name of the Lord
Where my help comes from
You're my strength, my song
My trust is in the Name of the Lord
I will sing your praise
You are faithful

MY HOPE ~ HILLSONG

The next time we have the chance to life our hands in praise, let's do it. I hope I can keep the courage to give Him the praise He is worthy of and not back out for fear of what other believers will think of me. How ridiculous. I'm not even there for them. I am there for Him.

He IS my hope. He IS my strength. Without Him I have absolutely nothing. I'm learning to trust Him more with each new day.

A recent post that I read says "Maybe God hasn't done for us yet because we don't trust Him yet". This has helped me tremendously this weekend. It's made me ask myself time and time again "Candice, are you SURE you trust Him? Do you REALLY believe He will provide? Then you need to prove it and just DO IT." I'm learning to let go of myself more and more. I'm not totally there yet, but I still strive for it. Just with trusting Him through this weekend, I have seen Him provide specifically for one of my needs.

I believe I'm definitely at the place where faith and fear collide~trust

I hope the freedom to worship continues

Gotta love it

So far it's been an amazing weekend. I got some much needed stress relief last night. I got to spend some time with some of my favorite cousins! Daniel is home for the weekend so I spent the evening with him and his brother and sisters and 3 of our cousins and a few of their friends. I got to spend the night which was really nice. Then I got to spend over half of today with my wonderful friends. I honestly believe I have one of the best group of friends that's out there. None of them are perfect, but they all stick together. I have no problem looking past their flaws, especially knowing how big my flaws are. They may not know every detail of my life, and probably never will, and that's okay because I don't know theirs either, but they stick by me and I stick by them. That's how it should be. The best of friends stick by you in the sunshine as well as the pouring down rain. I love these wonderful people and I'm happy to have them in my life, from the youngest to the oldest, they are all wonderful.

Today is the day of the fatal miss

Yeah go ahead and ask

Locks of Love

I've been told by many people that they love my hair and many people have also told me they are jealous of it. So i want to be able to give it to someone else. This "Locks of Love" makes wigs for kids who have lost their hair due to a disease or chemotherapy. I think it would be an awesome way to help someone. It will just take a little time to grow it out long enough for what they need. I'm excited about it though. Maybe a simple donation of something I've been blessed with can change someones life, or their outlook on their life. Maybe to help them be more confident in their appearance. Hmmm...I think it would be nice for Makenna to do too. Her hair is gorgeous! Someone can benefit from both of us!!! I've been thinking about this for awhile and I'm just excited about it!

http://charityguide.org/volunteer/fifteen/locks-of-love.htm

This past weekend was great. I've had a really good time with my kids. I had a wonderful day with Donny. He wants to take me to show me some art somewhere. I'm not sure where but I think it will be nice to go.

I landed some free tickets to a Tourist game tonight. I'm glad the kids and I went. Free tickets. Free food and drinks when we got there. We didn't catch the shirts the threw from the field but they lady above us did and brought it down and gave it to us. That was really nice :) Then on the way to the car we found 3 foul balls there were hit out into the parking lot. We gave one away and kept the other 2. So it was a lovely night that cost me about $5.

It's been a rough week along with being a great week. A lot of emotions going on for me. Just trying to keep my feet planted firmly where they belong.

I really have no idea how nice I should dress to go to the courthouse today. It's kind of bugging me. I hope it isn't too long of a day. I'm so tired from not sleeping well this week. Guh, I've been hurting so bad. I haven't hurt this bad in a really long time. At this point I wonder how much the chiropractor and physical therapist are helping me. I guess hurting is a process of healing. I know that all too well.

It's time to get on with this day. I kind of wish there was a hug nearby. Maybe one will come. I look forward to it!

Father, help me rest in you today. Make today exactly what you want it to be. I love you.

I love this girl

There is no better place to be than on your face before the Almighty. That is the best way to stand.

...after doing that very thing, falling on my face before Him and pouring out my heart through words and tears, He gave me this:

Today's Verse

I love the Lord. He heard my voice; he heard my cry for mercy. Because he turned his ear to me, I will call on him as long as I live.

— Psalm 116:1-2 (NIV)

Thoughts on Today's Verse...

Understanding the Lord's love, presence, and nearness should lead us to serve him and to deepen our relationship with him. While we love God for many reasons, we want to express our love to him today especially for his personal concern for us. In a world where important people refuse to spend time with those "beneath" them, we are truly blessed with an incomparable God who listens to our every cry, recognizes our very own distinct voice, and tunes his ear to hear every one of our whispers. Yes! I will call on him, praise him, thank him, confess to him, and speak with him as long as I live!

My Prayer...

Father, you know each hair on my head and every thought on my heart. Thank you for hearing my prayers. Thank you for answering so many of them with the answer I sought from you. Give me patience when I cannot see your hand in the other answers that do not come as soon or do not bear the result that I request. I believe and trust that you are there and working for my good even when I can't see it. I believe you always answer to your glory and my best interest. But please, dear Father, strengthen my faith so that I will never outlive my trust and faith in you. In the name of Jesus I ask it. Amen.

Today's Verse Illustrated