Without a doubt

Every day is a new day and not everything makes sense in each new day. Sometimes our emotions will run wild and we're not sure what's happening because new things will affect us differently than we think they will.
Love is strange sometimes too. Sometimes the fear of losing someone you love will grip your heart in terror and make you do things you never thought you would/could do.
God is always good. He cares what you do but at the same time he will always take you back no matter what you've done.
It's nice to see the people that demostrate that same kind of love that God has even though they may not realize that's what they're doing. Its still a beautiful thing. It's refreshing too.
Friendships are priceless. There will always be that one person that knows you better than anyone else does. This can be good or it can be bad. Whichever that person decides to make it. If you're like me, you only trust those certain people that are worthy of trusting with your innermost feelings, truths, desires, heartaches and special smiles. Those people will never be forgotten and never fully let go. They may slip out for a while but they always manage to slip back in somehow.
Helping people is my thing. I've seen a lot of death lately and I've poured my energy into trying to make them live again. All of my energy has resulted in failure. That's okay though because God's plan for that is a lot bigger and I will just continue to do as much as I can. It was brought to my attention that it's not just that I like helping people but I like helping people LIVE! Life is great. Sometimes it sucks, yes. Sometimes death seems more appropriate than life and I have felt that way many times before. But still, here we are, in these amazing bodies that only God could have made, so we might as well take what He gives to us and try to give our best with what we have and let Him be God and let Him atake care of us and live out His love. The greatest thing we can give is our love. Some people may turn it down and some people may try to take more than we are capable of giving but still, in my opinion, the best thing we can give is our love.
People need people. People need love. Some have more to give than others.
We all have bad days but we all still have that one, that special person that will be there when no one else can or will.
Don't turn down love. It may not be the same it's always been. It may be better than ever before.
Love doesn't turn away. Love doesn't leave. Love make mistakes but true love is always true.

Love learns
Love laughs
Love hopes
Love mourns
Love helps
Love endures
Love respects
It's patient and gives
It steps back and waits
It stands and keeps standing

My love is true. It's different now than ever before. I thought I understood it years ago but sometimes things happens and things change and some people come along and you learn more than you ever thought possible. This is beautiful.
Its not always appealing how things come about but there are no regrets. There are lessons learned. There is tragedy. There are tears. There are smiles. There's still sunsine :)
And there's always love.
Friends made.

Ramblings

I feel like there is so much I need to try to wrap my brain around right now. Many times I try to do that by talking it out but right now I have no one to talk to so I will think it out rather than talk it out.
The Bible is wonderful. Confusing at times but it is still wonderful. I've been reading a chapter in Proverbs everyday. That is a hard book to read because it has many hidden things in it and I feel like I am only scratching the surface in my readings. It is a book on wisdom and how to gain wisdom.
A fool is one who despises wisdom and turns himself away from it.
Fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom.
So I can rest assured that I have the beginning of wisdom covered. But that's only the beginning. I am far from wise. I have such a long way to go to even THINK I have wisdom.

My main point of writing tonight is, well, it seems very complicated in my head. It's all jumbled in there and I feel like this could take a massive amount of time and space.

God wasn't wrong with creating me as a compassionate person. Everything He does is for a good reason. I have not learned the boundaries on my compassionate heart and in not knowing where to draw the line I have opened myself up to a lot of hurt. I continue this trend on occasion which teaches me valuable lessons.
I love. I can't help but love. That's how I am. It doesn't make sense, even to myself, how I can give people chance after chance to make things right. Some people pull through and it's worth giving them another opportunity to prove themselves. Some, however, will never pull through. Those people are the ones that always have the prettiest words to say. They know how to get my hopes up only to have their actions shatter my hopes. But me, being the psycho compassionate heart, allow them to say their pretty words again, which raises my hopes, only to have them shattered again.
In 1st John it talks a lot about love and how to have the love of God and how to show it. I know God never gives up on people. He gives chance after chance after chance after chance. All because He loves. I don't deserve the chances He continues to give me because I am always messing things up and going against His perfect will for my life but I gladly accept the chances He gives. I will continue to fail but I will also continue to try to do what He wants me to do.
I can strive to be like God. To give chances and to love. However there are times that God draws the line on those that just will not surrender to Him and accept His compassion and love. That line is their death. He cannot let them continue to go on. I am afraid I will mess up my words here but I will try to get my words out right.
I have compassion. I have love. I have the love of God and I enjoy giving it out. Some people accept. Some people deny. Some take advantage of what I have to give. I cannot continue to be taken advantage of though. This is a struggle for me within. Because I love. It's what I do. It breaks my heart to think I have given love so freely, only for my true love to be taken advantage of. Knowing the continuous outcome, I must draw the line. I must let some die to me. It is hard. I don't like when people hurt. But when giving my all and holding nothing back always ends up hurting me in the end with some, I must do what is best for me. Love is sacrificial at times but it is not a one way street. Love is to be returned. Sometimes when I think of it as something I should get in return I feel selfish and undeserving. I don't feel that I am owed anything. I feel as if I should only give. But lately I have been told that I do deserve love in return. I am not only to give but I am to receive as well. I will agree that it is nice to have love in return. It is refreshing and up building. It rejuvenates me and I desperately need that.
There is still the fight within myself about all this. I want to continue to give because I don't like to see people hurt, especially if they hurt because of me.
I am not out to get anyone. I am not out seeking to hurt anyone or ruin their life. I am simply trying to take care of myself and find the healthy woman I once was. It's such a struggle but I am just trying to make a more beautiful me.

Hero

I'm just a step away
I'm just a breath away
Losin' my faith today
(Fallin' off the edge today)
I am just a man
Not superhuman
(I'm not superhuman)
Someone save me from the hate

It's just another war
Just another family torn
(Falling from my faith today)
Just a step from the edge
Just another day in the world we live

[Chorus:]
I need a hero to save me now
I need a hero (save me now)
I need a hero to save my life
A hero'll save me (just in time)

I've gotta fight today
To live another day
Speakin' my mind today
(My voice will be heard today)
I've gotta make a stand
But I am just a man
(I'm not superhuman)
My voice will be heard today

It's just another war
Just another family torn
(My voice will be heard today)
It's just another kill
The countdown begins to destroy ourselves

[Chorus]
I need a hero to save my life
I need a hero just in time
Save me just in time
Save me just in time

Who's gonna fight for what's right
Who's gonna help us survive
We're in the fight of our lives
(And we're not ready to die)
Who's gonna fight for the weak
Who's gonna make 'em believe
I've got a hero (I've got a hero)
Livin' in me
I'm gonna fight for what's right
Today I'm speaking my mind
And if it kills me tonight
(I will be ready to die)
A hero's not afraid to give his life
A hero's gonna save me just in time

[Chorus]
I need a hero
Who's gonna fight for what's right
Who's gonna help us survive
I need a hero
Who's gonna fight for the weak
Who's gonna make 'em believe
I need a hero
I need a hero
A hero's gonna save me just in time

It's Near

Freedom is so near I can almost taste it. I'm so excited!
It's like making brownies. You know that you have to mix them and pour them and bake them and even wait for them to cool a bit before indulging yourself in some wonderful chocolatey goodness but you also know it's well worth the wait because it's going to be so good.
That's on the smallest scale of goodness I can think of when I think about the freedom that is coming to me. I can't even imagine the things I have to look forward to. I know it won't all be good but I will be free at the end and that's what matters. There's no way I can possibly express how excited I am. Now that I'm going through with this I can begin to relax and know there's hope and begin to see the light at the end.
Can I say it again?
I'M SO EXCITED I WILL BE FREE SOON!!!!
Every aspect of it excites me. I can't wait.
Again I owe it to the one that has shown me I'm worth it. Thanks again love!

Sunshine and Smiles

Change is on the menu.
It's about time huh?
Yes, I agree.
Sometimes I have to reach my breaking point and I know I'm there. I've felt like I was there before but I know there is no turning back now. I hate how things have come about but I am stubborn and have little follow through sometimes due to fear. I know I've been scared of leaving but I am now to the point that I am more afraid of staying. It's more clear now than ever. Temperaments can change but people don't. It's evident with whoever you look at. My temperament changes drastically depending on who I'm surrounded by but I am still Candice through and through.
I choose life. I choose peace. I choose safety. I choose health. I choose sunshine and smiles. That's what I need and that's what I've been told I deserve.
This will not be easy, nor relaxing, nor comfortable. But the ones who love me will help me persevere to make it through this and find the life I should have already found.
Thank you to those you have helped me see truth and see light in all this.
I wouldn't have even begun to start to care about myself without the initial love and care of my dearest. That's where it begins and that's where it continues. Thank you love.

What is purity?
Is there a simple answer?
Yes? No? Maybe?

I know Christ lived a life of purity. I know He was as much God as He was man and as much man as He was God. My mind cannot comprehend that at all. How can one be tempted with EVERYTHING that we are tempted with yet never even allow his thoughts to go where they are not suppose to go? This baffles me. Not even a small portion of it makes sense.
Why would we be told to strive to live as Christ even though we know that we will fail everyday? Doesn't this make you as frustrated as it makes me? I know that people are capable of making the right decisions. However, we are prone to making the wrong decisions. It's our nature. We can't escape it.
Perhaps the most inconcievable trait of God is that He has done all He has done for us KNOWING we are going to mess things up and CONTINUES to be there for us and love us and help us. I don't get it. I can't.
Some people will take full advantage of this and say that if God is going to forgive them, they can go ahead and mess up because God's grace is more than amazing. Then there are others who are fearful of even breathing wrong because they are afraid of His wrath.
I've gotten off track so now back to the original question. "What is purity?" I think this is one of those questions that is going to smack me in the face if I try to go further in depth with it at this point. It's just something I was thinking about though. I guess the main point of my thoughts is that God truly is wonderful and amazing. He's stuck with me closer than anyone ever has. He's allowed me to learn lessons the hard way but that's all because of our free will and being allowed to make decisions for myself. I wish I wasn't allowed to make decisions for myself sometimes because it would make the world a better place. Haha.
So I guess in other words...I'm so clueless, or appear to be, about many things. I need God's guidance. If I don't have it I am only going to mess something else up.
I've made a committment to purity and I have to continue to work at it. I've made specific committments within that and that's where my area of focus will stay until I am ready to branch out further into more areas of my life. It isn't easy. I don't know why I ever expected it to be. I just know that I have my work cut out for me but I am a hard worker so I HAVE to keep at it. I will choose to keep at it. There are reminders for me along the way, I just cannot allow myself to look over the reminders.

In the chaos
In confusion
I know you're sovereign still
In the moment
Of my weakness
You give me grace to do your will

I have no idea what to say today.
It's been a nice day. Rainy, but nice. Relaxing. Enjoyable. A bit soothing even.
I work tomorrow so there's no telling what it will bring. I do know that I will drive a fire truck for the first time tomorrow and I'm a little nervous about it. I'm sure I'll so well because I catch on to things fairly quickly so it shouldn't be too bad :)

Sometimes silence is the best thing in the morning. It can give you more of a fresh start. A clean slate kind of thing. It really is nice.
........then you must get on with your day and with your life. It's all good though. It's going to be a wonderful day. No matter what...no matter who...no matter how, where and why...it will be good.

Oh and about the last post, I got my hug last night. I got the arms all around me like I wanted. Gosh it was nice. It was lovely. I couldn't have asked for anything more wonderful! Maybe that's why THIS day will be wonderful :)

Today would be a lovely day to be able to be wrapped up in someones arms with their loving touch. Just to have some genuine hugs and sincere love. It's like I feel empty when I can't be wrapped up in loving arms.
Meh

Everyone needs the opportunity to step away from their current situation and have some "self" time so they can look at everything going on and gain a new perspective on it all. I've done this quite a bit over the past 6 months but it isn't viewed as good by most. I will continue to do it because it helps me and clears my head, heart and soul. Somewhat of a restoration process that cannot fully do it's job in just one instance.
I know I don't want to be hopelessly lost in myself anymore but this is different. It's healthy. I've not always used it for good. I have actually taken full advantage of it on a few occassions and that's why it isn't viewed as good anymore but I am trying to make others view on it turn back to good. I need it. I need my time away. I need my time to think and my time to seek God and my time to just get away and have a good time not worrying about the things that tear me down. And all that is okay.

Be Strong

The wind blows
The child wakes
The years go
The heart breaks
The rains come, the castle falls
You lose hope
The soul cries
The fears grow
The time flies
Life goes on, but through it all

Be strong, don't be afraid
You're not alone in this world
Be strong, take courage and fly
'Cause now's the time to stand
Walk in the promised land of life
Be strong

A road ends
A dream dies
You breathe deep
And realize
To press on, you must believe
The Lord knows
The tears dry
You find hope
You live life
You look back, and finally see peace

Feel the wind blow on your face
Taste the victory of grace
Touch the joy of freedom
Knowing you have overcome...

Be strong, don't be afraid
You're not alone in this world
Be strong, take courage and fly
'Cause now's the time to stand
Walk in the promised land of life
Be strong

Oh now's the time to stand
Walk in the promised land of life
Be strong

Day 2

Day 2 did not start out well. It started with my mind in a whirlwind.

It got better for a few hours but then has gone straight to the pits.

I deserve everything this nasty world has to throw at me. EVERYTHING. Why? Because I've been nasty myself and I deserve every bit of it. Nothing less than being completely alone is what I deserve.

There is little patience from people towards me and little patience from me towards others. There are a very select few that this applies to but it's still a truth.

Oh to get away. To get away and have the people I WANT to surround myself with. That would be an ideal world. Sucks that this world isn't "ideal" with anything at all.

I have few words but many emotions pushed away. Tears are deep inside and they are easy covered up with one of two extremes. Either a happy smile that is mistaken for true OR anger that rages out when it won't stay in any longer.

There ARE true times of happiness but they are few and far between.

There is one that can get to me. Only one. I need that one.

Day 1 Complete

Day one is nearing its end. I think it's been a good day and it has gone well.

I need love. I want to give love. I want to live love. It's that simple.

Now putting the simplicity to the test is where the difficulty comes in.

I will continue to try. Not for my sake, but for others.

Example:

All she needed was to know someone knew what was going on and to know that someone was there for her (that was me). So I was there. The endless hug was just as well priceless. The warmth of arms tight around my middle, holding me as if they would never release. Nothing but love and beauty.

I just have to continue to live that love outloud and allow myself to become as selfless as I once was if not more. Hopefully more =)

No One Else Knows

The most true song I've heard in a long time to describe myself

My world is closing in

On the inside

But I’m not showing it

When all I am is crying out

I hold it in and fake a smile

Still I’m broken I’m broken

Only one can understand

And only one can hold the hand

Of the broken Of the broken

When no one else knows how I feel

Your love for me is proven real

When no one else cares where I’ve been

You run to me with outstretched hands

And You hold me in your arms Again

I need no explanation of why me

I just need confirmation

Only You could understand the emptiness inside my head

I am falling I am falling

I’m falling down upon my knees

To find the one who gives me peace

I am flying Lord I am flying

When no one else knows how I feel

Your love for me is proven real

When no one else cares where I’ve been

You run to me with outstretched hands

And You hold me in Your arms Again

I have come to you in search of faith

Cause I can’t see beyond this place

Oh You are God and I am man

So I’ll leave it in Your hands

Time to Begin

It's about time to have a new beginning. I need to start taking care of myself better. Too many times I have let things get to me that shouldn't. I finally have someone in my life who makes me think about what's best for me rather than what's best for everyone else. In order to take care of others, I really need to be able to take care of myself. That's where I must begin.

I need to fall in love with life all over again. I used to enjoy every second and offer myself endlessly to whoever needed whatever. Now I feel hopelessly lost in myself and it's time for change. I'm not a very big fan of change. But...when I find myself at 1230 a.m. laying in the floor in my bunk room with my feet up on my bed, staring at the ceiling just wondering what comes next and if I will feel this way much longer and if it's really worth it all...I know things need to change. It's time. A new beginning is in order.

Where is the best place to begin? Laying in my bunk room floor of course. I'm thinking that it would be even better to begin while laying on my face crying out to God, begging for His forgiveness once again. Yes, that's where to begin.

I'm glad He's bigger! I need Him.

I have others that He's blessed me with and I have to be sure that they know they are blessings to me :)

I need to learn to live, learn to live love, and learn to live love outloud. I've been there before but I've strayed off the path so bad.

My arms are stretched wide open, I'm getting ready to jump. I know God is out there and that's why my arms are stretched wide...so His can catch me as I fall into His grace.

Here I go. Ready to begin.