This past weekend was great. I've had a really good time with my kids. I had a wonderful day with Donny. He wants to take me to show me some art somewhere. I'm not sure where but I think it will be nice to go.

I landed some free tickets to a Tourist game tonight. I'm glad the kids and I went. Free tickets. Free food and drinks when we got there. We didn't catch the shirts the threw from the field but they lady above us did and brought it down and gave it to us. That was really nice :) Then on the way to the car we found 3 foul balls there were hit out into the parking lot. We gave one away and kept the other 2. So it was a lovely night that cost me about $5.

It's been a rough week along with being a great week. A lot of emotions going on for me. Just trying to keep my feet planted firmly where they belong.

I really have no idea how nice I should dress to go to the courthouse today. It's kind of bugging me. I hope it isn't too long of a day. I'm so tired from not sleeping well this week. Guh, I've been hurting so bad. I haven't hurt this bad in a really long time. At this point I wonder how much the chiropractor and physical therapist are helping me. I guess hurting is a process of healing. I know that all too well.

It's time to get on with this day. I kind of wish there was a hug nearby. Maybe one will come. I look forward to it!

Father, help me rest in you today. Make today exactly what you want it to be. I love you.

I love this girl

There is no better place to be than on your face before the Almighty. That is the best way to stand.

...after doing that very thing, falling on my face before Him and pouring out my heart through words and tears, He gave me this:

Today's Verse

I love the Lord. He heard my voice; he heard my cry for mercy. Because he turned his ear to me, I will call on him as long as I live.

— Psalm 116:1-2 (NIV)

Thoughts on Today's Verse...

Understanding the Lord's love, presence, and nearness should lead us to serve him and to deepen our relationship with him. While we love God for many reasons, we want to express our love to him today especially for his personal concern for us. In a world where important people refuse to spend time with those "beneath" them, we are truly blessed with an incomparable God who listens to our every cry, recognizes our very own distinct voice, and tunes his ear to hear every one of our whispers. Yes! I will call on him, praise him, thank him, confess to him, and speak with him as long as I live!

My Prayer...

Father, you know each hair on my head and every thought on my heart. Thank you for hearing my prayers. Thank you for answering so many of them with the answer I sought from you. Give me patience when I cannot see your hand in the other answers that do not come as soon or do not bear the result that I request. I believe and trust that you are there and working for my good even when I can't see it. I believe you always answer to your glory and my best interest. But please, dear Father, strengthen my faith so that I will never outlive my trust and faith in you. In the name of Jesus I ask it. Amen.

Today's Verse Illustrated

Oh Tuesday...

I have been waiting on this day for several weeks now. It went about how I expected it to.

I saw Dr. Fleck at Carolina Spine. She had many tests for me and my back. Some went okay...most did not. She put a few more restrictions on me than the chiropractor did and they are in place for 6-8 weeks. So when that time is up I will be out of work for nearly 3 months. That's only if they still "don't have anything for me to do" at work. As far as financial relief/help, I'm waiting to see if this will fall under workers comp. It's obvious that I did this to my back when I fell on the 2 fires. It's just a matter of them agreeing that it happened then and not writing it off. I also have no idea if it will fall into a short term disability or not. I will go to the station tomorrow and see what kind of information I can get. If that doesn't work, I will take a trip to town hall. They will probably know more there anyway.

So as of right now all I know is that I am out of work until shortly after my 25th birthday and that's only if nothing changes between now and then.
Oh and some prescriptions to add into the mix. I hope they work well. I would really like to be able to sleep better.

I just hope and pray that God works all of this out for His best for me. I still have bills that need to be paid. There aren't many, but they're still there. I'm not really worried about it because it's too big for me to worry about. I hope I stay that way. I know He will provide. I also know that it will all be in His timing. I just hope I do well with this. I also hope that my back gets better. It really has been a tough couple of weeks.

Chiropractor 3 times a week. Physical therapy twice a week. Specialist again in 4 weeks. Beach trip in 2 weeks!!!!!!! That part will be wonderful!

What a day

I got to spend a couple hours in the emergency room today. I now have a mild chemical exposure to my left eye and have some lovely ointment to put it in for the next several days. I know I'm accident prone but seriously....I need a break. These doctors and copays and such are killing me. I guess I at least need to have some income for me to be able to be as accident prone as I am.

My most sincere apologies go to my children for them inheriting this viscous trait.

='(

Not Jamie too!

This is beginning to get unbearable. The people I begin to get close to, they leave. Not Jamie! Please not Jamie! God please work it out so she can stay!

If this pattern continues, I know who will be next. And I know who will follow her.

I can't understand. Maybe I'm not suppose to understand.

My heart keeps breaking, one person after another.

Princess

Happy Birthday!

The kids birthday party went wonderfully! I was hoping for more people to come, mainly family, but it's okay. The kids both had a great time and they were happy the whole time and they got some good gifts and love their new bikes. We couldn't have asked for a better evening!

3 out of 4 of their great grandparents were able to make it. That made it more

special for me. You can never be sure how many more years that will happen. Good friends. Good party. Great night. Sweet kids =]

Happy 4th birthday to my sweetheart and happy 3rd birthday to my baby girl

what next?

I've been taken out of work again. I won't be able to go back for at least another week. I'm not sure if I will get to go back then or not because that will be my first visit to Carolina Spine and I have a feeling she isn't going to let me go straight back to work.

I'm out of sick time today, so after 5:00pm I have no income. Chief Roger's told me that I will have FMLA papers sent to me soon and that will help with my finances. I have also been given good information on short term disability. This is all so crazy. I don't like not being able to work. Everything is going to work out how it is suppose to though. No doubt.

God can turn a MESS into a MESSage, a TEST into a TESTimony, a TRIal into a TRIumph, a VICTim into a VICTory

Friends [=

I'm happy to have many wonderful friends who are there for me. It's nice to feel love from more than 1 or 2 people. I'm loving this new circle of friends.

I couldn't have done this day alone. It just wasn't possible no matter how I look at it.

I'm grateful for true friends!

And that is that

It's going to be such a wonderful week

Motherly Love

My life feels so much more complete when my kids are with me. When you become a mother it transforms you. It's who you are. It's who I am now. Even though my kids aren't with me all the time, it's still who I am. A mother. Their mother. I feel lost and incomplete when they are gone. It's crazy how different I feel when they're here and when they're not. I love them so much. I want them all the time. Of course I want some time for myself here and there but this "week-by-week" thing is brutal. It's hard to live your life one week solely for 2 people and then the next week it's just you. It's difficult to adjust. Especially being with them practically every day for nearly 3 years and then seeing them every other week.

On the weekends that they go to their Dad, it's normally on Saturday, then on Sunday I feel totally lost. It's an empty feeling also.

I wish things didn't have to be the way they are. Sometimes I question if I have done the right thing...99% of the time I know I have. It's just hard. Hard to give up the 2 people that I carried inside me and provided life and health to while they were both inside. It's hard to give up so much time with the 2 people that I went through so much pain to bring into the world ~ to love them always.

Looking at their pictures from when they were newborns, I just want to go back and hold them and kiss their little faces and rub their nearly bald heads and hold their precious fingers and toes. I want to go back and catch the things I missed. I want to go back and catch my breath and relax and enjoy every second. I want to go back and give my all to them regardless of if I was taken care of or not. I want to go back and protect them better and make things better from the beginning. I want to look over the exhaustion and take more time to hold Makenna close to my heart with her bare chest on my bare chest. It's such a bonding experience that I missed with her.

Now they are turning 4 and 3 this week. I know there is so much to look forward to. I don't want to miss any of it. I love them with all my heart. No one can love my kids more than I do. It's simply a privilege that only a mother has. I will never trade that love for anything. I want them to know one day how my heart beats for them. I don't want them to ever doubt my love for them. I want them to know that I will always be their number 1 fan. Another privilege that only a mother has.

They are a couple of the beams that come off the sunshine that keep my day bright and they are 2 shining stars that keep my night alive.

I'm proud to be their mother and I always will be. However, they are on loan to me from God. I guess He is the only one that loves them more than I do. He knows what's best for these precious little lives. He holds them securely in His hands and I am grateful for what He is going to do through their lives.

I have such an overwhelming need to protect them. I guess it's another privilege of being their mother. I just love them. I want the best. They're my loves.

You'll be out of my head in like no time.

Goodbye cell phone today.

Hello Friday.

=D

GET OUT OF MY HEAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It's quite amazing how your mind will associate certain songs with certain situations you've been in because you were listening to that song at the exact time of the situation. There's so many songs I can't listen to, or if I do listen to them I have to try to get over the feelings that come along with it. Dang!

This morning has been nothing but wonderful

Give me an icepack along with a good nights sleep please *emphasis on the "please"*

Father, lead me, because I can't do this on my own

I will have to say, be careful when you say you want a radical change in your life. It will probably happen.

Hello everything new!

Whew....

Well this week is almost over. I believe it's Thursday. I got thrown off on the right day of the week on Monday and haven't been able to get it straightened out in my mind yet. The chiropractor gave me these vitamins to take and it's packed full of so many different products. Long story short, my daily meds reacted with something in the vitamin which intensified the effect of my daily med. All I can say is, I'm glad my friends got some video footage because I don't remember much of the evening. The wouldn't even let me drive home, that's how bad it was. They wouldn't let me drive nor would they let me stay at home. So the kids and I spent the night with some friends. I wish I could remember more because it sounds rather exciting!

I found out that my back is waaaaaay out of whack. It's just messed up really bad. I'm not sure what all I did to make to so much worse than it was 6 years ago. Possibly the combination of 2 pregnancies, a fire academy, the firefighter combat challenge once a week for 14 weeks, 2 falls on 2 different fires and a significant fall during a basketball game...yeah I would say that covers it. So now I have an extensive treatment plan laid out for me for the next 3 months that will continue several months longer than that if I progress slowly which I'm afraid will happen, especially after seeing how this week has gone.

Also, he has officially filed for the divorce. I got the paperwork from my attorney yesterday. I'm at the point where I really don't know what to expect. The papers said so many different things than what we agreed on and he said he didn't know half of it was on there. So I feel totally clueless with this. I'm just going to try to keep my emotions out of it and keep my heart in check and do the best that I can for my kids and I.

I still want to be the best all around person that I can be. I want to live for the only one that's worth living for. It's hard, but worth it. July was one of the toughest months I've faced, but I'm confident that I didn't face it alone. Had I been alone, I wouldn't have made it.