I am holding tight to this promise because I am weary and in need of His perfect strength

I thank God for this new year and for the many new things He's going to bring into my life. I know there will be many challenges, joys, difficulties, laughs, tears, hugs, and promises. I want HIS best for me this year. I want Him to shine through my life and get the glory in everything that is accomplished. He is good and He is worthy. I would not be alive if it were not for the grace of my Lord.

Ecclesiastes 5:18-20
18 Even so, I have noticed one thing, at least, that is good. It is good for people to eat, drink, and enjoy their work under the sun during the short life God has given them, and to accept their lot in life. 19 And it is a good thing to receive wealth from God and the good health to enjoy it. To enjoy your work and accept your lot in life—this is indeed a gift from God. 20 God keeps such people so busy enjoying life that they take no time to brood over the past.

...

...for what has passed and what is to come!

Hero

I need a hero to save me now

This blog has been completed

There will be no new posts

...continued...

The counselor suggested that I find one other thing that I would trust him to do to help break down this wall I have with him. Then tell him what it is and then let him do it.

I plan to do this soon. It's definitely a work in progress but soon him and I will be okay and be happily married once again.

continued...

I'm glad that all of that was fresh on my mind and also fresh on my emotions because I was able to talk to my counselor about it today. She said that yes my reactions sounded like they were out of fear but it also sounded like I was doing a lot of grieving. It made me wonder exactly what she meant by that so I asked her to explain. She said that it sounds like I was grieving over many losses and obviously grieving over the pain. It makes sense that I grieve over the loss of that closeness with him. It makes sense that I grieve over the pain from him that I still have in my mind from previous experiences. It makes sense that he is my husband and I long for that kind of closeness with my husband but I have lost it. It makes sense that I hold myself back, out of sheer fear, to keep anything from happening between us to where there is no possibility at all of me getting hurt again. It makes sense that I have lost the respect for him that I need to have that closeness. I'm sure she said more but these are the things that stand out in my mind that she brought to me attention.

I'm very thankful that I have someone, that I have my counselor, to help me get these kinds of feelings to the surface and begin to make sense of them. It's very helpful. I'm very thankful.

Wow

I had some sort of break through 2 nights ago. I can't seem to manage to put it into words though. I will try my best.

He hurt me for several years and it's been roughly 1 year and about 3 months since it happened last. I've been scared of him for a long time but I didn't realize how scared I was until the other night. I have done such a good job of keeping him pushed far enough away to where he wouldn't be able to hurt me unless it was a superficial kind of hurt. I decided the other night that I wanted to try to get closer and see if that would help us.

This is rather difficult to type...

So, I let him kiss my neck the other night because he had done it once during the day and I wanted him to do it some more so I told him he could only if he would respect me. Let me say again here that I didn't know how scared I was of him until this. I let him do that some more and it wasn't just a few minutes until I was crying. I know that he moved his hand down beside my side and I didn't know what was going to happen. I asked him to stop and then I held him tight to me and cried and was shaking and told him to please not hurt me. He just hugged me and kept telling me that I was okay and he wasn't going to hurt me. I don't know how long I laid there like that and cried. I really don't. I told him that the last time this happened, he ended up hurting me really bad and I didn't know I was this scared of it until now. I kept telling him that I was sorry and that I just didn't want to be hurt again to which he kept reassuring me that he wasn't going to hurt me and that I was okay. It was kind of nice that he hugged me the whole time I cried and the whole time he kept reassuring me.

I'm not going to say that I needed all that to happen the way it did but I'm not going to say that I didn't either. I wasn't expecting to cry. I wasn't expecting to lay there and shake out of fear. It just all...happened.

I'm glad it's over. I didn't know it was going to happen that way and I'm a little nervous to let it happen again. But I do trust him more. Not a whole lot but I do trust him a little bit more. I know it takes small steps and little things like that to gain trust back.

I'm still skeptical and still afraid (obviously). I will be careful. I won't be hurt again.

I'm just glad that he respected me and took my crying serious this time.