Wow

I had some sort of break through 2 nights ago. I can't seem to manage to put it into words though. I will try my best.

He hurt me for several years and it's been roughly 1 year and about 3 months since it happened last. I've been scared of him for a long time but I didn't realize how scared I was until the other night. I have done such a good job of keeping him pushed far enough away to where he wouldn't be able to hurt me unless it was a superficial kind of hurt. I decided the other night that I wanted to try to get closer and see if that would help us.

This is rather difficult to type...

So, I let him kiss my neck the other night because he had done it once during the day and I wanted him to do it some more so I told him he could only if he would respect me. Let me say again here that I didn't know how scared I was of him until this. I let him do that some more and it wasn't just a few minutes until I was crying. I know that he moved his hand down beside my side and I didn't know what was going to happen. I asked him to stop and then I held him tight to me and cried and was shaking and told him to please not hurt me. He just hugged me and kept telling me that I was okay and he wasn't going to hurt me. I don't know how long I laid there like that and cried. I really don't. I told him that the last time this happened, he ended up hurting me really bad and I didn't know I was this scared of it until now. I kept telling him that I was sorry and that I just didn't want to be hurt again to which he kept reassuring me that he wasn't going to hurt me and that I was okay. It was kind of nice that he hugged me the whole time I cried and the whole time he kept reassuring me.

I'm not going to say that I needed all that to happen the way it did but I'm not going to say that I didn't either. I wasn't expecting to cry. I wasn't expecting to lay there and shake out of fear. It just all...happened.

I'm glad it's over. I didn't know it was going to happen that way and I'm a little nervous to let it happen again. But I do trust him more. Not a whole lot but I do trust him a little bit more. I know it takes small steps and little things like that to gain trust back.

I'm still skeptical and still afraid (obviously). I will be careful. I won't be hurt again.

I'm just glad that he respected me and took my crying serious this time.