continued...

I'm glad that all of that was fresh on my mind and also fresh on my emotions because I was able to talk to my counselor about it today. She said that yes my reactions sounded like they were out of fear but it also sounded like I was doing a lot of grieving. It made me wonder exactly what she meant by that so I asked her to explain. She said that it sounds like I was grieving over many losses and obviously grieving over the pain. It makes sense that I grieve over the loss of that closeness with him. It makes sense that I grieve over the pain from him that I still have in my mind from previous experiences. It makes sense that he is my husband and I long for that kind of closeness with my husband but I have lost it. It makes sense that I hold myself back, out of sheer fear, to keep anything from happening between us to where there is no possibility at all of me getting hurt again. It makes sense that I have lost the respect for him that I need to have that closeness. I'm sure she said more but these are the things that stand out in my mind that she brought to me attention.

I'm very thankful that I have someone, that I have my counselor, to help me get these kinds of feelings to the surface and begin to make sense of them. It's very helpful. I'm very thankful.